Feelings and finding my inner freedom once again

In my ever expanding awakening, I am moved to write this letter. An expression of my true feelings. An insight into how my relationship with my environment, consisting of culture, friends and family, had shaped me into who I had become. The product of cause and effect. The biological machine, with little conciousness yet influencing the picture, to the position that I now perceive from today with years of self exploration, research and development under my belt. My intention? To bring further clarity to the field of social dynamics, to move others to partake in the path that deep questioning may lead. To speak of the true freedom that may be earned. To clear the air once and for all between anyone who purports to * know * me. To take what is mine and return the elements I have picked up from others that do not serve me. Elements that these individuals hold onto, that can only exist in the light of ignorance. To free myself of the pressure of the fear and worry that arises out of YOUR OWN limitations, the fear of others that my own experimentation and experience are completely unfounded in anything that is ACTUALLY REAL. Knowing that fear is simply a seed/idea of the imagination that was planted in your psyche, either by yourself or the infinite streams of fear based thought being generated by media. Fear that you have unconciously accepted on the basis of your own ignorance. Ideas that aren’t necessarily founded in anything at all, but a self referencing loop that is easily perpetuated by a mass consensus.  You seem to think this consensus is some kind of justification, only the masses are all watching the same TV shows, the same news channels and reading the same newspapers. All the worlds mainstream media (anything we see on tv or read in a paper) is owned by 4 corporations. Corporations whose desire for economic growth often doesn’t require it them presenting anything truthful or empowering.

Having said that, let’s take a look at ignorance, both yours and mine. To be ignorant is to blindly accept the words of another as truth on the basis of how much * authority * they appear to have. The error of believing that your truth will be the same as somebody else’s. For the validity of your truth to be dependant on the alignment with somebody else’s. To specialise too much in any particular field of knowledge: we may waste years of our life and tonnes of our vital energy trying to make advancement in our chosen field when the truth of why we can’t get things to work that way would be revealed if we allowed ourselves to be open and explore other ways. Ignorance is in anything that is outside of a holistic approach. The holistic approach seeks to look at the whole picture before formulating any weighted opinions or beliefs. The holistic approach that is constantly seeking to expand upon the picture they can currently see. The realisation that the picture can never be fully seen, and the joy that one can find in being able to endlessly explore and experience. Look at the nature of any young child. The fascination, the unknown, the exploration waiting to be had. The freedom with which they explore, still untouched by the weight of meaning that pervades western culture.

So much ignorance in an individual who applies deep meaning and opinion towards another when they have no real expertise in the area. Those that aren’t prompted by observing something that doesn’t make sense to them to explore and expand upon what they know; those that cannot see the beauty in this expansion within themselves yet they still want their opinion to be acknowledged as an insightful observation/opinion by those around them. The expectation of praise. Those that consider this type of behaviour to be love. To put aside their own feelings and intuitions to reinforce somebody else’s. How can I truly love when I am so quick to give up what I am feeling deep down? To put aside my own knowing so that others will like me because I agree with them. For this pattern to occur again and again and again and again over my lifetime so that I don’t even know what * I * think or feel anymore. To forget that this is the way I am operating in most circumstances where my mind is so quick to step in and present the ‘appropriate’ morally ‘right’ response. So that I appear to be a ‘good’ person, or so that I give off the desired appearance to others. Constantly reinforcing my own facade that appears to help protect my soft underbelly. Generating this inner dissonance and conflict because I constantly deny my deeper feelings. The dissonance becomes a normal state of being and as a culture we forget it’s there. We forget that our facade, made up of an amalgamation of our friends, family’s and culture’s belief systems, isn’t actually us. Our true feelings and emotions getting tangled up in this web, our emotions become other people’s emotions, our fears become other people’s fears, our interests becomes the interests we take on from those around us, we lose ourselves. Our individuality. Our true self/consciousness’s ability to do anything about it.

To be stripped of this connection to ourselves at such a young age: such a volatile time of our lives where we are completely dependant on the adults around us for our survival. The deep connection we experience with our parents, where we are highly receptive to the emotional states and feelings being generated by them (refer to the heartmath institute and Bruce Lipton work in biology for the science). Our cellular development becomes infused with the electromagnetic signals of those around us at this time. We are integrating huge amounts of information, constantly learning, harmonising our body’s oscillating systems with those around us. We don’t yet have the systems to determine whether what we are integrating is true, useful and real or not. So much openness. At this time, we are naturally aware of the electromagnetic communication that goes on at the quantum level: the desire for harmony between us and those around us. The desire for each and every one of us to feel understood, to feel seen.

How do most parents in the west approach parenting in this day and age? In the age of information most will begin to explore with the resources they have available. The internet has countless *experts * out there expressing infinite amounts of often conflicting ideas. Maybe you’ll read a couple of the thousands of books on the subject. You’ll probably converse with your own mother and others you know who have had kids, gathering some more opinions.

It is a fact that no two snowflakes are the same, yet we approach parenting at least in some way with many pre conceived ideas. This means this, that means that: all this meaning we apply to the actions of our children, formulated from a knowledge base that may have been the case for other kids but not necessarily our own. Radiating our own feelings and thoughts electromagnetically toward the developing child, our fears of not being able to give someone else’s best to our children getting in the way of our own intuitions and feelings. Trying to apply the one size fits all method of child raising spouted by any combination of experts. Being over protective and over nurturing, often making the child afraid to explore and learn for themselves. We never really allow ourselves to sit back and let the child in all their uniqueness show us who they are. What they are exploring. The lack of meaning they apply to any of their actions. The child has the natural instinct to try things out and if they keep getting told not to, with a huge rush of fear based emotion from the adults, they begin to doubt their instinct and take on the fear. Sure there are certain instances where the parent may need to intervene, but it can be crippling if it becomes a habit.

We need to learn for ourselves. We cannot really own/embody anything unless it comes from us. If we cannot embody what we learn all we have is information, not knowledge. The more we feel like someone is trying to force their own ideas on us the more likely we are to reject it, unless of course we’ve been trained since birth to doubt our own feelings, intuitions and instincts. The more we take on from others, overiding our own stuff, the more likely we will accept something the next time, increasing exponentially, never really touching the essence deep within but creating such a powerful facade.

My life has been ruled by anxiety and fear. While my mum was pregnant her and dad were in a horse and cart accident with mum being thrown out of the cart onto the ground. As you can imagine there was a huge amount of anxiety by all involved as to my well being: doctor examinations, relatives being informed, all worrying. Mum, my life support, expressing a huge amount of worry, not to mention my own worry at being jerked around like that. All this fear energetically infusing into my cellular development. After I was born the degree of monitoring to make sure my health was ok was immense. So much scrutiny and concern of every one of my actions by the adults around me adding so much emotional weight to my development. The dissonance that I took on around certain elements of my essence nature: those protecting me un-wittingly crippling me and my freedom in myself. I was forced to draw on the power of my own essence at such a young age to protect myself from completely integrating all the fear that was being directed towards me. Having to deflect the energetic inputs because I had no means of expressing that I was really ok, that I actually needed the strength of their belief and faith, the harmonic and powerful energy signature directed at me, to help me re-align. That their worries were only making things worse.

My anxiety and fear only amplified growing up in a culture where external focus is the modus operandi. A culture where any form of energetic awareness and strong intuition has been drowned out. Our energetic awareness being largely dependant on our own emotions and feelings. The water element that can be tuned by external signal. Allowing ourselves to drop into this space within us and feel how what someone is saying tunes the crystalline water molecules within our bodies. A culture where the schooling system is largely ‘fact’ based, where intelligence is measured by how many ‘facts’ you can remember and repeat back. Where grammar and spelling are taught but the subjective nature of language is only briefly touched upon. Where complicated mathematical ability is deemed more important than developing critical analysis, developing our ability to ask questions, to feel good about asking questions. A system where the teacher is set up as a god like figure with all the answers, that always knows more than you. Setting you up to get the ‘successful’ job at the end of the 12 years, where you have to completely disconnect from your own feelings to work the 50 hours a week. To buy the house, to show everyone else around you how competent you are, to get the mortgage to sign over the next 30 years of your life to full time work. Work that quite often doesn’t actually produce anything tangible other than numbers and letters in a computer.

But hey that doesn’t matter, by the age of 30 or so most of us have been completely converted to the religion of economics. Playing this game that costs the prosperity and well being of other human beings in other countries. But hey, we never really come face to face with that and the news stations keep pretty quiet about it so we can ignore it for now. Playing this game that allows for 1% of the worlds population to own as much as the 99%. Denying all the facts that are arising about what’s actually going on outside of what’s presented on TV. Playing the blame game with one another. Marginalising. Acting as if there is no conciousness within you, being the biological machine that the limitation of ‘science’ presents us as being. Playing this game where we are completely dependant on a set of accepted symbols (car, house, cash, clothes, enforced by the wealthy and elite) to show others who we are and ‘prove’ our competence. Becoming increasingly dependant on the reinforcement of others to feel good about ourselves, we take no time to build the most important, the foundation within ourselves that feels empowered despite the external. The honesty and authenticity and the evolutionary/expansive power that lies therein.

Our own facades preventing any form of authentic communication because we have learnt to identify completely with the facade itself and any challenge can be easily rebutted by the self referencing mass consensus. This culture where the culture itself is created from the top down, from the corporations down. Convincing us that if we have this or that it means success, or linking this or that into any other desirable emotion. Selling the sacred, the sanctity of the emotions and mind, for material gratification. Entrapping ourselves in needing an increasingly material existence. Raping the planet, our life support, our inheritance and our gift to future generations.

I for one feel slightly betrayed by my elders who refuse to look at the problem despite any amount of factual evidence presented. That need to wait until the shit hits the fan to change their lifestyle. Those who stop exploring, who stop questioning, who stop evolving. Who choose to remain ignorant in the age of information. Who choose to stay trapped in patterns and programs that have arisen to test them, test the stability of their signal, their ability to problem solve. Their ability to continue to move, to live, to choose things for themselves unbounded by those around them. To develop the tools of awareness that allow us to step outside of assumption. To tune into subtlety, nuance, true comprehension and connection. To see more of things as they actually are, other then how we subjectively see them to be.

Out of all this it seems so clear to me that the most important thing anyone could be doing right now is connecting to themselves. Building an unbreakable bond with themselves, with their own feelings, so that they may never betray themselves again. Taking the time to really acknowledge how they feel in any given moment. It is our compass. It is the life signal itself. We cannot even attempt to do this whilst we give so much time to things external. The abundance that we seek is far more then just the material. The abundance that conscious enquiry into the workings of the self can generate emotionally and mentally. These areas of such immense power over the physical realm. Our prison can arise from something so small, when we were so young, sending our life’s fractal expansion askew. A seed that grows into a strangling tree that cuts us off from so much potential abundance. So much potential experience.


  1. Danielle November 28, 2013 2:28 am  Reply

    Thank you… So many of us had similar childhoods blessed with an ‘abundance’ of fear and anxiety, though delivered in alternate ways, but all with the same result. It would seem that few emerge on the other side with self-realization guiding their way… Mayhap that is the calling..? To show the way for others who are not as strong and hearty… to give them a spark of ‘why not..?’…

    • En November 28, 2013 1:49 pm  Reply

      It was definitely the catalyst I needed, being naturally stubborn/ having tunnel vision at times. The true source of my strength and heartiness. The ability to make a choice to do something and stick by it. A double edged sword of sorts that allows me to push through highly challenging situations, to reprogramme and clear myself, to become more effective, efficient and empowered. It allows me to refuse to accept what others see as truth, to choose my own, and yet this can be the cause of the challenging situations that arise between Songs and I in the first place, having all this resistance to acknowledging her wisdom, emerging largely from any number of subtle insecurities, slowing my process down. A razors edge that I am learning to walk.

      I am sure my transformation will pave the way for others, and yet, I have absolutely no intentions of it doing so. I am entirely self motivated. I have to be to stay focused, I know for a fact that most will not be able to handle the intensity of this process. A process where being ‘informed’ will only get you so far. The programming is intensively anti-evolutionary, many individuals have become almost entirely expressions of the heteronomy. Evolution=movement=life, simple as that. To be an individual fully empowered, immune to heteronomy, is in my experience INCREDIBLY challenging for the heteronomy to be around. Heteronomy that pervades most of the planet to some degree, that depends entirely upon feeding from the life signal for its existence. As far as I am concerned, when I analyse all the data emerging from the environment around me, we simply do no have time for niceties. For concerning ourselves with those that choose to remain blind despite any information they are presented with. Individuals that demand their ignorant, heteronomous opinions be validated or even acknowledged. I have to focus only on doing whats best for me, for following my inner voice despite my fears, this is where my immunity is, this is my pathway out, my freedom from the chaos that heteronomy can only ever create.

  2. Carol Dewey December 9, 2013 3:17 pm  Reply

    Wow. These are some powerful thoughts you have sent out. They speak to me as someone who is similarly trying to unlearn everything I have learned from others and reprogram my brain with an operating system of my own choosing. I had never equated this process with becoming “free”; but, of course, it is. Then, you throw in the concept of sui generis, and I am completely blown away. I feel like I have found the mother lode. My vocabulary is inadequate to express my gratitude. Thank You will have to do.

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