My experience living the life
When you grow up in a culture where heteronomy is rife it’s not surprising how much heteronomy we take on and embody for ourselves. I personally think that the masculine signal is far more receptive to this distortion of mind than the feminine.
I made the mistake of underestimating how much this way of being was running in me. The Sui Generis appears so simple at surface level, yet I failed to take into account the power of programming. The power of habit. The power of emotional trigger. I’m naturally an introverted individual, spending most of my time living in solitude in my bedroom growing up. Living with 4 others including two children aged 4 and 9 brought up some immense challenges for me.
Much exploration was put into Sui Generis parenting between Songs and I. The girls are delightful and enjoyable at times, yet I found the constant mess that free range kids generate highly distressing. Exerting all this energy cleaning up only to find it trashed again 5-10-15mins later. Ahhhh! The challenging fact that kids are still learning and have a degree of energy and attention dependence from the adults around them. Having to repeatedly do things that aren’t particularly ‘fun’ for individuals outside of myself…. What the fuck???? Kids that refuse to be controlled. Kids that won’t listen to you, whose autonomy is testing out and learning of the boundaries of those in their environment. How do I maintain my own boundaries around them? How much can I transform my boundaries to acknowledge the fact that they are just kids and learning, so that I can be nurturing and helping them come into this world with a healthy mindset and self perception?
Such a challenging thing for an individual who is trying to rebuild himself at the same time. How do I maintain my integrity in such a space? As best as I can…….. Focusing on remaining positive as best as I can. It often felt/feels like the base platform of rage that I had created for myself was hell bent on finding something to get pissed off at. The entire system of rage thought gets a feed from that, of course. It’s fucked knowing that being pissed off doesn’t give you anything, doesn’t empower you in any way, yet having such a foundation in it that it can’t help but bleed through at times.
I feel like I’m getting pretty good at recognising the uselessness in all ‘negative’ emotions: they are there only to show me what I need to transform within me, what environment I want to create and live in. What to choose. I fuck up and lose my cool and positivity quite often yet I don’t beat myself up about it. I just reinforce the new belief and hold onto this new coding for all I’m worth.
Then there is my connection with Songs.
I was a mostly left brained individual: it let me feel safe in the culture I was in. Due to being a carpenter, everything was a linear process for me. Micro managing my interactions with my environment anywhere I could. Always planning out, never leaving time allotments to be open to what the moment had to offer. Living in the future is handy if you’re a carpenter but it’s shit for being open to new experience. For being open to seeing things that you don’t already ‘know’. Shit for personal evolution. Shit for co-creation. I had very little flow when I was first adopted into Songs’ family.
Compare that to someone like Songs: far more life experience. An incredible capacity to flow, to go with the flow. An immense capacity for being in the moment. To be able to exist in what I would consider ‘painful’ environments purely as a means of reflection. To be unaffected by all the insanity that exists, by painfully obvious contradictions. To remain in her Self.
Perhaps you can imagine some of the triggers and challenges this way of being arose in me in our regular trips to town to do the shopping and such
External focus still played a huge role in my unconscious processing. There is 6th sense like skill I possess, coming from working on construction sites for 5 years: it’s the ability to hyperfocus on the individuals moving in my environment. It’s a good skill to have on a job site for safety reasons. It’s shit to have this as a universal approach to being in public, keeping me externally focused, where I go well and truly out of my way to ensure the flow of another. This extends into all kinds of dis-empowering distortions where I can’t hold * me * in a public space, ever. Not any element of me that might make another feel uncomfortable anyway.
This caused many issues between the programming and the integration of the deeper elements of myself that emerged as I worked through my distortions. For a start, the challenge of choosing to be in a relationship with someone 25 years older then me. Major upheaval. Defying all the cultural programming I had in this area in a big way: the sudden obsession with physical appearance and all the meaning behind ‘why’. I chose to be in a relationship with someone based largely on the mental compatibility, knowing in myself that mental ‘age’ has nothing to do with physical ‘age’. Yet when people see us being affectionate it’s often something that gets us loads of weird looks and incompatible type reactions. At first I couldn’t even stay energetically connected to Songs in public. I could feel people staring at me, judging me, attacking me, attempting to force me prove my own sanity. Who knows what they were actually thinking, whether this was all my own head- it didn’t really make a difference, it was ‘real’ to that programmed part of me.
Realising how crippling this way of doing things was, and how it was keeping me out of accessing my own self and finding happiness in my relationship with Songs, I had to do lots of reprogramming, lots of new thought code writing for myself. I had to really focus on staying in myself when in public environments, using being affectionate towards Songs as a barometer to see how much progress I was making. Forcing myself to be affectionate, to play with her and have fun, increasingly to work through this entrapment that I was feeling coming from my external environment. Becoming increasingly comfortable staying in myself at all times. Spending my thought energy on self development. Becoming coherent.
Using my conciousness to align all the thought programmes to the common goal. To get rid of what wasn’t serving me and create what could.
It’s amazing just how great our desire for justification can be. Whenever I would trigger over something and get angry, I would want that emotion to be justified externally. To make it more ‘real’. I would even get more annoyed at someone who wasn’t getting annoyed at what was pissing me off. All these crazy loops that our mind can take us on. These loops that ultimately don’t go anywhere, or keep us stuck at the level of progression of those around us, needing massive levels of external justification for each step we take. Where is the power in that?
Like I said in the ‘why the Sui Generis’ thread, I believe our ability to embody that which feels right for us is our greatest asset. To move without needing our environment to move with us, free to CHOOSE something to explore. If the embodiment doesn’t achieve the desired result, we can create a new system/new code/new belief/new element of self. Evolution is about refining the self so that the mind conduits and reflects the heart. Experimentation, so that we can experience complex and interesting character of the manifest spirit.
The Sui Generis approach has increased my communicative ability immensely. Songs is able to pull me up on all my assumptions, showing me where I unconsciously assume. It’s astounding the more you start to notice how many subtle assumptions we make. Seeing this allows me to ask questions more often. To achieve a more thorough comprehension of another individuals experience so that we can be more closely aligned and more effective as co-creators. I have come to the realisation that I cannot effectively communicate anything that is coming from ME when I am in an emotionally charged ‘reactive’ space. In many of the lengthy discussions that arise with Songs I really have to fight to stay centred so that my contributions don’t become distorted: if I slip out of the neutral centred emotionless space it would often lead to worlds of wasted energy trying to force our way to a resolve, as opposed to stopping the conversation and taking time out the re-centre and explore in our own time, often coming to a far quicker resolve. Being able to know when the slightest edge of a trigger is coming on is crucial for me in the ease of application of the Sui Generis principles. Resistance can be a great ally if you can learn to let it show you where to look: trying to fight and thrash my way through my resistance, when I’m in a resistant space has never worked for me.
Another thing that has been quite challenging is living in an environment with two individuals that are incredibly intellectually endowed. Something that I have experienced a fair degree of resistance around is the feeling of being ‘taken over’ that emerges when many of my ideas are shown to be based on flawed premises. The resistance in me when old patterns of beliefs that want to feel a sense of importance so they can get energy are challenged. The internal kicking and screaming that occurs over acknowledging the enlightenment being offered by another when it feels like you’re just being a copy cat. Walking in someone else’s footsteps. For a being like me- I have a certain stubbornness about me that likes to do things ‘my way’. That cherishes the unique. The idea that my own exploration will come to a different conclusion. This can, however, become problematic when trying to clear myself of fictitious belief systems. Stories about how reality ‘is’ that have been invented by the imagination.
I struggle to stream my thoughts and ideas coherently at times, I struggle to remember facts and figures to implement and make more complete expressions. I’m largely an intuitive that goes by how I feel about things and it can be incredibly frustrating when I can’t decode something that I KNOW is relevant into coherent language.
Triffid, Songs ex partner, possesses immense scientific and general knowledge that can be intimidating for an intuitive creative type such as myself. It was interesting for me to observe how much he ‘won’ the space energetically between us. It’s been an interesting learning tool for me to hold my own signal strong and experience it mitigating the effects of his signal on me. It’s interesting for me now to observe the effects on people in public when they come near my signal. It’s really starting to expand.
The way Songs mind works is something that I simply do not comprehend in many ways. I find it incredibly difficult to make all the abstract connections she can: to her, EVERYTHING is related in our multiverse in some way. I often get the shits about conversations that slide between subjects I can’t make connections between. The pattern recognition part of my brain has on many occasions observed 3 points of similarity between things leading to me triggering hugely over what I thought Songs was doing. How those things appeared to be the same things as many ‘poisonous’/manipulative/slidey behavioural patterns I observed growing up. Things that triggered anger in me, causing me to drop our connection completely, a cycle of rejecting the things that I had learned from her, all before I had even thought to ask her a question about what she was ACTUALLY doing. Crazy, vicious shit. This happened on quite a number of occasions. It’s so easy for us to do, often not realising that we are doing it, because we never ask the person involved any questions. After 1 year the method of formulating questions in the moment is one that I’m just starting to get a handle on. It’s a really powerful learning tool.
I think part of my success with the Sui Generis comes down to the fact that I use a lot of body language in my self expression, leaving less possibility of becoming entrapped or misinterpreted by the words that I am saying due to the clear signal that I can send with my body language. It’s a sense that I have developed from being deaf in one ear. Being tuned into the layer of communication that is body language in an intuitive way lets me more easily convey myself in clear theatrical fashion. Each body movement for me has a different feel to it, a different energetic expression. I like to experiment with testing out different, often exaggerated body language settings and see how those in my environment react. This lets me know more accurately what I’m transmitting and how to refine it into a more clear transmission. I think being this way kind of invites others to do the same, NLP style, which works really well for me, adding another clear dimension into social interactions. It’s crazy how tense most people are in their bodies!
All in all, I’m feeling freer and more ‘flowy’ everyday. Best of all, it’s not something that is bound in any way to what is going on around me. So many constrictions have been released. I’m in myself most of the time. I’m becoming less and less concerned about the fact that my Self makes many people feel uncomfortable. I can easily identify the heteronomy, and the constrictions that cause it. It’s certainly not been easy, yet writing about all this stuff reminds me of where I have come from, shows me my progress and motivates me to keep working. To see where this approach can go. To see how effective and efficient I can become. To create and live the dream.
After a year in the life, I am only just starting to see the full implications of the creative solutions to every aspect of life that apply Sui Generis as the foundation. For individuals to reject the sui generis platform because they can’t see how it answers all their initial objections, or because they think that they know what it is, is pure ignorance. My experience says very much otherwise. I still know that I don’t see all that it is, what Songs sees in her ability to be so absolute that THIS IS THE SOLUTION. The solution to so many of the problems that plague humanity at this time. It might appear daunting to an individual testing the platform out, who experiences a massive trigger through challenging their own programming. I can assure you that the application of Sui Generis gets easier over time, it becomes habit. Habit to stay centred, habit to ask questions, habit to be self aware. Evolution becomes habit. New experience becomes habit. Self empowerment becomes habit. The rewards start to pile up.