So, I said, I'll be having my avatar back, thanks-
want to know how that's going?
This is how that's going.
Two mornings ago I was inspired to get up incredibly early, make a magnesium flake infused bath and soak in it. I started to connect with the water- although nowhere near as consciously as I've just realised I could have, so will do that next time- and I began to explore the contracts within me. I began to sense some contracts/ Monsanto codes on my sternum and ribs; I could see the constriction that had been placed on my heart and heart energy as a result of these contracts, I could see how strangled and narrow the energy was.
I was aware that I have been carrying a physical wound there for 24 years, due to someone demonstrating their physical strength over me by bear hugging me until my sternum cracked, so the issue was not unknown. I began to go deeply into the bones of my chest and immediately saw the codes embedded in them, like a grey shadow emanating from a deeply embedded tiny black microdot in the trauma site. There are myriads of interlinked programs embedded in me, I'm discovering, that work in conjunction with one another. These do *not* like high vibration being pointed at them, nor do they maintain in the face of the sui generis energy.
As soon as I cleared the code out of my sternum, there were five distinct and loud pops in my sternum, ribs, shoulder and skull bones. I immediately had the instinct to slide beneath the water and let my body go limp. My body began to move and snake of its own accord, arching and writhing between periods of deep exploration of other encoding. This went on for half an hour ad I managed to trigger two more session of cracking and popping in my skull and jaw, with nothing more than focusing on the bar code and dissolving it.
My dialogue and transformation with my body is practically non-stop now. I have discovered something much much deeper than the coding that is affecting me. This one I've known about and then forgotten several times in my evolution, and this time I've really gotten it.
It goes something like this: when we are newly incarnated, the communication and connection comes from the heart signal and chakra. It's really pure and the controllers can't feed from that pure signal- it is inherently sui generis in embryo form, the way that children relate to one another when they are really small. It's the thing that both attracts and repels adults, that openness and heart chakra based connecting with the world, and it is this that the virus seeks to stamp out first for one very simple reason:
the virus cannot feed on pure heart chakra based sui generis embedded signal.
Ever. To put it in its simplest terms, this energy is deadly both to the virus and the feeders. The virus cannot get any claw holds in when this is the energy in operation.
Huh. Now I'm going to have to express what I see energetically that I'm calling heart chakra signal. mmmmmm... grrr..... so many pieces I have to hold in the space, this is so much easier with film...
Ok. First off, most of the interaction I observe between individuals and groups is toxicity disguised as 'culture' or 'emotional' or 'social lubrication' or 'caring': there is a kind of insanity in it that I've seen since I was really small and I learned not to talk about what I could see because one was never supposed to talk about what one could see because that was not nice and impolite and disrespectful and many other things that enforce the compliance with the toxicity. I wasn't allowed to reject the toxic interactions with the adults around me, particularly my caregivers and those claiming authority over me in whatever form the rationalisations manifest.
I watched rationalisation traded everywhere as the lingua franca of toxicity; I learned that honesty was considered an act of aggression, that if one wanted to hurt another one employed 'brutal honesty'; all the myriads of lies and greasy ugliness traded as sincerity and connection when it actually was the pinnacle of disconnection and deceit. I learned that these were the foundations of adult communication. I've observed this ever since.
I've found some of the most honest Beings in subcultures that have been denigrated and despised by teh mainstream; I've found some of the most hideously toxic in other cultures that were meant to be the pinnacle of the 'new age' of peace, love and vegetables. I've found some of the greatest tenderness and acceptance and raw honesty I've ever known in the arms of a 19 year old punk poet with safety pins through his ears, a criminal record a mile long and obscene tattoos on his arms; I've experienced much of the greatest horrors in my life at the hands of those who saw themselves as pious, upright and proper citizens who would never cheat on their taxes or say 'pig' to a cop. I have experienced the smug self deception of the hippie counter culture, preaching love and light while it turns snarling on any mirror that comes its way.
It was the forked tongue I came to reject the most, that bizarre thing that those who are raised in the west do, say one thing with their mouth and another with their body and energy. My life is about discovering the language that can be spoken where that signal has no space, where one can relax back into the sharing of ideas and concepts as if floating in a pool of peace and calm. I know how individuals can use the slitherin language, and in the culture that has been created by the virus, slitherin is the foundation of every interaction, unless one is absolutely aware of it and conscious of how one is engaging that language.
It's not just misogyny that is embedded; it's sexism, the shade and spectre of racial superiority and conflict; it's ageist, arrogance, ignorance traded and polished as the norm, as they way things are, as 'you're just being too sensitive' or 'can't you take a joke'. It's the platform from which everything that individuals claim to abhor- the war, the greed, the destruction, the contempt for things weaker or smaller or more fragile, just to name a few- springs, and yet its' the thing that most recoil from facing honestly.
Everyone lies. I lie. I rationalise it, utterly, and I lie. I'm exploring the energetic and physical things that happen to create the situations where I lie, and I'm discovering these within the dissolving of the contracts and the Monsanto codes. Which leads me back to the heart chakra not being able to be fed on.
Naturally, the feeders cannot have heart connected and sui generis Beings floating about and we can all come up with excellent reasons why, all of which are part of it. So the obvious thing to do is create a culture in which, from the very beginning, the heart chakra is going to come under serious assault. We can all tell our stories of losing our Shine in one way or another, and how we have struggled since: I'd like to share with you what I've discovered as part of this process of uncovering the hidden things.
What I saw was the heart energy shutting down, dimming; the energy was pulled back into my body and closed off from the outer world, but energy has to go *somewhere*; the child is dependent on the adults for survival, and so the child begins to mimic the way that the adults communicate. What happened for me in that moment, I saw, was that my lower three chakras blew outwards and opened up, which allowed a leech-like thing to come out of the adult's lower chakras and attach to me. Initially this was thin, like a piece of sewing cotton, and it felt like caring and connection because at least I wasn't *alone*, but it was feeding and toxic in the most hideous way. Eventually I saw similar leech like things begin to snake out of my own blown out chakras and exchange energy that way, my heart shielded but not forgotten behind its safety barriers; it was there, just gradually withdrawing over a long time.
I saw the feeder energies, the ones behind this whole system, being able to harvest the exchange and I realised that for them, this is the best feed there is: the years between the initial wounding when the heart has stepped back but is not entirely shut down, and when the lower chakras are blown out and prey to the leeching. It is similar to the ideas expressed in the French film The City of Lost Children: that the feed needs to happen between the space of sui generis and total surrender to the loss of essence, and that only goes on for a few years.
Incidentally, this is why the virus culture is obsessed with youth: it's desperately trying to prolong that space, because it's getting harder and harder to find young ones that aren't burned out and cynical at younger and younger ages. It's that problem with the death system they've created: it doesn't matter how pretty the lies are that they create, eventually the whole lot comes crashing down because it's all based on lies and no cosmic signal of Life. It's a dead system, the dead tending the dead, and so the obsession with youth when native cultures valued the gifts that their elders were.
So the blowout happens, and I saw my Self being fed on from the lower chakras and learning to interact from that space- only those chakras are *not designed* to do that, so communication and connection are skewed and distorted by the signal of something trying to do that which it wasn't designed for. Connection becomes tainted with oversexualisation (first), an obsession with things rather than spirit (second) and the persona rather than the true self (third); the heart signal is converted through this distorted lens and the throat, the place that heartspeech is meant to flow from in sound, becomes constricted and contracted. Here in Australia it is estimated that at least 80% of the women have either the precursors to, or an active disease state of, the thyroid, which in turn causes other issues with the throat and neck. In Australia, there is a particular cultural dislike and disapproval of intelligent and outspoken women; America is the same, only it likes to pretend it's not. Here in Avalon there is a healthy and often unsubtle atmosphere of misogyny but woe betide any woman who tries to point that out.
This isn't surprising though, given what is built into the language: I have read some excellent essays on 'woe betide the non-white person pointing out the subtle and insulting creeping racism embedded into the language', or the same for the disabled individual trying to point out the prejudice against disability, the poor person trying to point out the white man's priviledge mentality. We are familiar with this and yet when it emerges, the attempts to respond to it decisively are met with cries of protest, the rationalisations falling like rain.
Here's how I see it: rationalisations are part of the virus. If something stinks then it needs calling into the open, being named for what it is, and an attempt made to heal it. If it can't be healed, it needs to be chucked if we want to create something *other* than what has always been created. It's that simple with me.
I saw what the years of toxic feeding have done to me. My outer physical body is like jelly that has had too much water added to it: when I felt into it it felt like it was losing cohesion, becoming mined and drained by the contracts. It's why the avatar eventually dies; it's covered in contracts and code like so many life sucking ticks that it can no longer sustain itself, cut off from Essence as it is. Everything is drained, like the victims of the skeksis in the dark crystal: there is nothing left, it's why old people are like dried out apple people most of the time. That's why young people find them so scary- they are their future within the virus.
When I saw this, I turned my attention to shutting the lower chakra gates. I have been systematically physically pulling my energy back into my body, concentrating on keeping my energy *within me* and not allowing the lower chakra connections to be made. It's something that requires my *constant* attention- so conditioned are we into this way of interacting that I'm noticing it happens automatically. I've been looking at the close relationships in my life and recognising how I do this particularly with males: in every relationship or connection I've ever made I've blown all the gates wide open from the moment I've realised there's something about them I want to know more about.
We're told this is 'open hearted honesty'.
It absolutely is not.
I've been observing society again, watching these robotic and programmed exchanges. It's all about the feeding.
I have found a way to not be fed on and to not feed on others. It requires pulling everything I've ever thought about 'connection' back into my body. It requires me watching my language, watching my energy, watching my Self and being clear about what it is that I want to put out into the world, to watch the contracts that are being continually pushed back and forth between individuals, to watch those being pushed towards me and to stay my own hand from pushing my own towards others.
It means I ask 'what do you mean by that?'. It means I ask rigorous honesty of my Self; it means I stand on the edge of my own evolution and open my arms to whatever wants to come to me, in whatever form it comes to me, because I embrace my own sui generis and I trust my own process. It means I look at language and point to where the emperor has no clothes, it means I look like an argumentative smart arse to some, a pedantic nit picker to others, a bloody minded and obstinate woman (where woman is not being used in a positive way); I'm a Kali, a ballbreaker, a troublemaker, a starter of arguments- in the eyes of the slitherin heteronomy.
To those who see what I'm doing, I'm wading out into unknown territory, the dark parts of the map, with only my internal compass and an intuition to guide me, because I WANT WHAT IS GOING TO REALLY WORK. I'm not interested in a boat that can't be rocked because it's so goddam leaky it capsizes every time- I want to be in the company of those that get the storm is a heteronomy creation, that don't have any interest in being a feed of any kind, and who see such moments as a joyous gift of discovering another layer of the noise and virus to clear out.
The storm is simply another expression of energy that can either be embraced or fought against. In the embrace is the transformation: fighting against anything only *always* creates more fight: if the other individual is determined to bring the fight then it's not always possible or desireable to walk away, in which case the best option is the one well placed response. I will not let virus slide around me because calling it what it is might make others uncomfortable. I find the existence of female genital mutilation, in the supposedly intelligent and more enlightened 21st century beyond the global manifestation of conscience and its roots are in a system of thinking that is sometimes brought to my door in its most subtle, and wormtongue manifestations: it's easy to see the obviously repulsive, much more difficult to see the reeking slitherin in the speech patterns and words of those who use language as a way of recreating and upholding a system of heteronomy and domination.
It's why we need honest, heartspeech from each other: we're surrounded by the bog of eternal stench and we're going to need teamwork to get out of here. I will never claim to be perfect because that's not in my range of interest- I will strive to be as integral and cohesive as I can as I map the disease signal called 'communication' and 'connection': I don't look for perfection, I look for those that can hold together in the face of the storm and recognise it for what it is, those that will transform the storm energy rather than use it as an excuse to tear at one another, the ridiculous blame games and face saving antics engaged in by the programmed. I may be crude at times, and ferocious in others, and I will always strive to be the kind of Being that will speak the truth of me with my mouth, my body and my energy in alignment so that there is never any doubt of my intention and purpose in the moment. I will lovingly tell those in my Clan the truth about my Self, the truth of my experience in the moment, and that their fly is undone.
I so rarely understand what individuals are really saying because of the entrainment into weaselspeak. I am doing my own evolution in my own body at the meoment as my way of directly dissolving the virus within me, as best I can. it's taking all of my focus, because the entrainment is so deep. And I'm already feeling the virus finding me an unfavorable host. I'm moving my energy back into my body in the lower chakras and expanding from my heart space- which is *not* the 'love and light' space that so many talk about in wifflespeak, but an embodied, grounded, open eyed and anchored in Self way of connecting without contracts, stories and agendas. It takes willingness to be personally responsible for my own experience and I'm utterly up for that. The sui generis, heartspeech and energy create an automatic immunity to being fed on, because the feeders can't stand the signal. Which means that those who react badly to such kinds of sui generis interactions are giving away what energy is behind their intention and purpose.
Funny, that...
next up- more exploration of the way I'm moving the energy about in my physical avatar.
