songsfortheotherkind.com

Ah, this is *exactly* where I am at the moment. If I may, I'd like to share with you what my life over the past four weeks or so has been like:

get up, make a superfood blueberry smoothie, meditate some days, stare bear others, if the weather is nice take the beanbag out onto the verandah and simply Be, waiting with deliciously gleesticks anticipation until En wakes up. Watch with pleasure as he minces barefoot across the stones in the driveway, until he's in front of me and we're hugging hello. Hand him breakfast smoothie, we then plonk onto the beanbag and talk about the previous night's adventures in the dreamrealms.



We explore anything that those adventures might have brought up, and we hang out some more. Then we flow into whatever shows up for the day, the evolution of the moment in whatever form it takes. Conversation about the virus/the paradigm/the zombies has kind of become redundant because we get what's going on and we're looking towards something else: we sometimes explore the virus as it's been manifesting in us- the 'elephants' of thought that are born of social programming, our 25 year age gap being a large element of this- but we're both aware that that's all just bullshit and quite often fodder for mocking rather than taking seriously. Very little of this system is taken seriously. We're more interested in flowing into the 'ok, so what next?' part, which has been really interesting for *me* because while his laidbackness is part of his essence, I at times have been running into my own Great Wall of Chunk about letting go. I is still letting go, just being observant of the 'oh, look, another part of the wall of chunk! look how hard it's trying to munt me! I wonder what it's worried about now...' and going and poking around in that.

We have engaged as much with the world as has been absolutely necessary, and no more. The increasing disconnection from the noise and zombiness has been heaven for me and I'm exploring more of this while he's away surfing, playing in the fiction and doing the family of origin holiday thing: there really is nothing in me at all that has any desire to connect in any way with what's out there. There's nothing of interest to me out there, so I'm here in my forest hideaway wondering where this energy I'm experiencing is going to take me next. Apparently, it's taking me to Japan at some point next year, where En and I are going to wander about without children and see what arises. There are events that are coming up, which I'm curious to see will happen or not- my sister's wedding at Maitreya, the four day Dancing Ground festival in Victoria, perhaps staying in a beach house on the peninsula, perhaps venturing off to the desert for a few weeks

you know you're always welcome to just rock up at our place and become part of our interpretation of Wonko the Sane's Asylum, our increasing exploration of Sanctuary and deep sui generis while drifting around the countryside discovering what happens next



I have been engaging in the practice of radical honesty, and it's blissful. It's utterly a different realm from that which the paradigm thrashes about in and I truly, absolutely resonate on every level with it. Even if I truly, absolutely suck at it sometimes- I'm developing a delight in my own momentary suckiness, without any load to it, rather than beating the crap out of my Self over it. Just this transformation alone is mindblowingly fun.



I personally feel that becoming less and less inclined to engage in it all is actually a good thing- I have a suspicion that it's all the Beings like us, the ones with the splinters in the mind, that have been helping keep the whole shebang out there going, because we have the *energy* that is fuelling it all: I am beginning to suspect that our withdrawal from the whole thing and refusing to take it seriously any longer will be a heartily destabilising move on our part, if the micro of this that has been going on in my life is any indication.

Evolve or die. Isn't that the thing? I'm inclined to stepping back and letting them figure out on their own energy- or lack of it- which of these it's going to be. I know what I've chosen



and it involves radical honesty and opening my arms to *embracing* energies, within and without, rather than closing down and curling around my Self protectively because I'm in an environment that utterly sucks- I'm gifting my Self the possibility of a life so rich in nuance and signal that I forget the paradigm completely.

*grins over her morning smoothie at you* wanna play with me? Things really rock in the part of the multiverse I'm currently living in- perhaps you need a dose of pointy eared weirdo in your life...

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

Thanks -- when the virus surrounds me, I think our link helps me through it

LOLs of the humanish existence

First, I hope y’all are being.

Some of us may be more than one being, and that’s good too.

Me, I’m having some interesting times being. If anyone can relate to this, feel free. Otherwise, I encourage much laughter at the following, which is how I’ve been being recently.

The snow’s hip deep, the shit’s even higher, my teenaged macaw laid three eggs, my furnace failed and my car battery had terminal issues.

The rumblings. Auditory and physical. So strong, my thoughts and muscles get shoogled.

The ramblings. Auditory and physical. So disconnected, my thoughts and muscles ignore them.

The effects of engaging in zombieland have clarified and solidified beyond any doubt that while I am a kind person, I am not nice. A kind person will point out gently that you’re talking shit, and if you keep talking shit, a kind person will …. Well, here’s a visual:

This is how a nice person responds to being shit on:



This is how a kind person responds to being shit on:



My entire being is so opposed to being shit on, it allowed two toes to be broken to slow me down on the way to being shit on by a managerial type zombie.



My entire being is so opposed to being shit on, it caused a mix-up at taxi dispatch so the driver who liked me ended up taking me back to pick up my once-again-working vehicle.



My entire being is not a being that tolerates shit any longer. Rather, it seems to work well in what some would consider hostile environments, by reacting in a manner that some would consider hostile.


I’m quite, quite OK with that. Reasonable outrage is reasonable. Reasonable hilarity is reasonable. And I’m quite, quite OK with anyone not being OK with that. As long as they don't shit on me.

It's so good to see you around again.

As for the shit flingers...

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

On being humanish: More things I do not understand

I’ve picked one event to put a word picture to some themes that confuse me. These themes happen around me with alarming frequency. While I smell virus all over them, I haven’t yet identified the most appropriate responses. Read along if you want to see how I react, and feel free reply with more appropriate responses (although I admit, I may not take advice as I’m more focused on taking my arse outta this particular zombified geographic zone).

The goals one has for one’s offspring aka children

I had one goal for my child: to be the best zher zhe could be.
I am not joking. That was it. It did not occur to me to think “I could be the mother of a doctor!”
I got a bit (OK much more than a bit) snarky when someone would comment on my child’s appearance being all in line with what society expects for my child’s birth gender. I once asked a relative “What would you say if zhe had what you would consider a grotesque birth defect?”

Have I mentioned I have completely disconnected from my birth family? Or how many hours I spent as a child, desperately searching for proof that I was adopted? But I digress ….



Saying things that are neither supportive nor true

After my (now) ex spouse moved out of my (now) house, my (still) next door neighbour (with whom I’d exchanged no more than six words in the course of three years, those words being “Hello” on six separate occasions) commented on how my ex was always smiling and laughing. I asked my neighbour to identify one instance of my ex either smiling or laughing. My neighbour thought on that for several minutes and acknowledged he could not actually remember either occurring.

What was my neighbour trying to achieve? A fight? A fit of guilt so I would do everything in my power to get my ex back? Pleasant conversation?



Oh, oh, how about saying things that are neither supportive nor true to children?

Santa



The overwhelming importance of getting along with your family


Why, for the love of all things sparkly, why? I can understand, for those families (like the one I sprung from) where no one with an ounce of sanity, self-preservation or common sense will deal with you except those who have been trained to .... but .... really?


Fail to see the blindingly obvious

Picture an office where the long-term boss retired six months ago due to lack of interest, then returned as a part time consultant (for reasons better left unsaid). The new boss hired several new employees. During a particularly important staff meeting with the retired boss/consultant in attendance, all of the new employees deferred completely to the retired boss to whom they had not reported; even the new boss, through body language, deferred to the old boss.

Well, everyone except me. I worked for the old boss who displays several classic signs of narcissism and good old fashioned psychopathy. And that’s what draws the crowd to follow him; his need to be worshipped and his unfailing ability to belittle those who surround him. If this sounds judgemental, it is; his knowledge of the current systems and structures have been proven, to all staff and management, to be faulty, everyone admits he uses too many words and confuses the hell out of everyone within hearing range, and he not the most physically attractive person in the room (I have detected a human tendency to stare at extraordinarily pleasant looking physical features).

Instead of hanging on his every word, I made direct eye contact with the new boss.

I have no words to describe my reaction to this

Before responding to your actual post, I just want to tell you how much I truly love your posts, not only for what you say but for the images you post with them: being primarily a visual-spatially cued Being the images for me are priceless.





I have found the biggest challenge for me lately has been releasing the deep level control: I'm not into control at all, and at the same time the girls' tendency to follow in their father's footsteps and being in front of computer screens has really pushed my heteronomy buttons 'kids shouldn't spend so much time on the computer watching crap' (mostly exploring youtube and following their interests there, interests which *I* find facile- makeup tutorials, certain cartoon shows etc- but that they do not) and I've found my Self getting righteously judgy mcjudgerson about it. It's been reeeeeeeeeeeeeally difficult to get out of their way about it and I've had some really great conversations with my Self about it, as well as with En, exploring the internal rationalisations and thinking that swirl about the subject. I am not interested in domination and control, I am interested in something else entirely and yet sometimes my efforts to live into this are clunky, confused and floundering, given that I'm learning about it as I go along: I've found an interesting resource http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/ that has inspired me in terms of sui generis thought and expression and another htt://http://theorganicsister.com/ both of which are written by very thoughtful and authentic women- these have at times given me great alternative perspectives and food for thought when I've been particularly staggering with the parenting thing, which over the past few years has been a lot.

I am utterly aware that I am totally burnt out as a parent- I have mostly emotionally and energetically single parented my various children for 30 years and now that I'm down to the last two I just don't have much joy left in me at all for any of it. I love them to pieces, they're awesome little Beings, I simply have no energy left for the constant challenge that parenting is. I'm finding my Self returning to the style of parenting I had when my eldest was born, which was rather influenced by my punk background at the time- anarchy and self determination in all things. I know that there is a lot of debate out there as to how this creates 'unparented' children etc, and I get all the pros and cons of parenting debate per se: what it simply comes down to is that, after 30 years of constantly parenting little kids, I've come to the conclusion that the best thing I can do is be an appreciative cheerleader for whatever they want to explore and for the rest of the time get out of their way. There is so much about the external world I don't get- I don't get their need to hang out with other kids because I didn't have that at all, I found my so-called 'peers' bewildering, confusing, painful and childish so I constantly sought out the company of adults or young adults who were prepared to discover that the strange little kid in front of them was actually very articulate, intelligent and wanted to have a proper conversation. I don't get their boredom because I was never bored, I had infinite ability to entertain my Self with all sorts of simple things: I was a cubby builder, an explorer, a maker of intricate and complex worlds, I just didn't engage in the outside world much. So I have always found my children challenging, bewildering and often exhausting and at 48 I am very much over it. I'm heading back towards the original punk roots of anarchy (not chaos, it actually means 'without monarch' or ruler, ie self rule) and creating a platform of *absolute trust* that they're going to evolve into *exactly* who it is that they want to explore and Be. I want to let go of any and all reins, to provide them with the company of a nanny/tutor whose passion and delight is in hanging out with two bright, intelligent and extroverted young girls and in providing them a rich palette of experience and exploration because I know that this is *not* me at this point and I really, really want them to have that experience, and I want to take a BIG step back from 'parenting' and move more into the role of 'enthusiastic support individual'. I can see where I'm going with it, I am tacking more and more towards that goal, moving through the actions of shedding all the constrictions and bullshit programming that I carry about it-

there's the thing, really, I'm moving through *so* much deconstructing and dissolving at the moment, around really deep level programming, that it's all gotten a bit much and I am having to take a bit of a breather from it by putting my Self into an 'if it all goes to shit I'll be ok, I've gotten through it before, nothing is really THAT unliveable' sort of way

Quote:

Have I mentioned I have completely disconnected from my birth family? Or how many hours I spent as a child, desperately searching for proof that I was adopted? But I digress ….

This cracked me up. I did exactly the same thing, although for me I used to sit with my head softly banging against the window, looking up at the night sky and chanting 'there's been a mistake, this is a bad idea, please come and get me now I want to go home'. I'm not kidding about that.

Quote:

Saying things that are neither supportive nor true

After my (now) ex spouse moved out of my (now) house, my (still) next door neighbour (with whom I’d exchanged no more than six words in the course of three years, those words being “Hello” on six separate occasions) commented on how my ex was always smiling and laughing. I asked my neighbour to identify one instance of my ex either smiling or laughing. My neighbour thought on that for several minutes and acknowledged he could not actually remember either occurring.

What was my neighbour trying to achieve? A fight? A fit of guilt so I would do everything in my power to get my ex back? Pleasant conversation?

This is the sum of most of the conversations I have out in the noise, which is why I avoid having them- things said without engaging brain in any way, because consciousness is best avoided at all times.



this had me laughing here because it's so utterly, utterly true!

here's one in honour of the work related section:

Quote:

This one made me want to punch whoever thought of this stupid idea right in the face: LOOK at the misery on her little face! Who knows WHAT the fuck is going on there- I know a girl whose parents used to do similar (not quite as drastically fucked up) things with her and her brother because she was always being harassed by him and there was conflict that *looked* like it was coming from her: one day in a quiet part of the schoolyard she sat with a small group of friends and calmly spoke while tears poured down her face of how her brother had been raping her on almost a nightly basis since she was seven. She was unable to tell her parents because she absolutely had no faith at all that they would believe her. In that small circle of girls, each one then brought out their own experiences of molestation and rape that they had been hiding within themselves, and we sat together holding hands with each other, crying together, taking comfort in one another but with absolutely no faith in the adult world's ability to do anything effective about what was happening to us because it was the adult world that was the platform for such insanity, and mostly adults that were doing it.

I wanted to take to her brother with a baseball bat and I could have easily done it, having a very intimate relationship with the berserker side of me back then: she was well aware of my hidden Howler and strictly forbade me from doing it. My Self and a few girls with older, non-molesting brothers instead taught her how to deliver a crippling blow to the groin from various angles and directions: it apparently took him several experiences before he realised she was deadly serious and his nightly assaults ended.

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

I read It's Not Laziness You Need To Overcome and The REAL “Problem with Kids These Days”: Our Anger and she gets my approval.


Yes! Even when you call your own self lazy, it's still false, because it is a fiction that's never existed.

Tara is courageous and very honest, two qualities I enjoy. I get so much from her work.

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

Can't brain ..... 3D difficult .... noiseless plane nearly flew into my house .... considering new disguise


No. Seriously. A big light nearly flew into my house. I don't live near an airport. The light didn't make noise until it decided it wanted to be a plane. Really. I had a witness. Getting interesting!

Wearing that disguise, I might just have to shag you for 80's nostalgia's sake. It's pretty awesome big har you got going thar...

as for the noiseless light, innnnnnnnnnnnteresting. Things have been moving along in my realms too, although I'd be totally up for some more 3D kind of happenings, fo' shizzle. I'm moving into a whole new level of Being, and inviting some huge energies in, so it will be *sproinnnnnnnnnng* to see where it all goes.

Perhaps the noiseless light will come back and offer to move your house to somewhere more friendly and warm...

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot