Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:39 am Posts: 86 Has thanked:67 times Been thanked:266 times
GoingOn suggested a thread of people writing to themselves, rather than other people. Reply with your own conversation among yourselves. For now, try not commenting on other people's conversations, just having your own.
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:39 am Posts: 86 Has thanked:67 times Been thanked:266 times
Prairie, I'm sorry for generally ignoring your gut feelings about situations and people. Yet again today, a gut feeling you had about someone weeks ago was shown to be spot-on, and had I followed it then, I would have avoided being mistreated again by that person and left shaking in fear and vividly recalling the experience later. Tonight at the grocery store when the person approached us and you said that we should focus on staying safe, I listened to you, and I won't be going to the store late at night again.
I feel so lucky to know you and be in your presence, though I don't always notice you or give room. You've made my bedroom very comforting and inspiring. I still haven't made much time for you to play with all the stuffed animals and dolls we've been collecting over the past few months.
I hope we find someone we can talk to regularly about what's going on for us. I won't subject you to someone who will mistreat you while/after listening, and so far I don't know anyone who has the time who won't.
Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:06 pm Posts: 193 Has thanked:568 times Been thanked:425 times
note to self: sometime soon, i will post a brief overview of the struggles i face with real communication. oh virus, you work in tricksy ways.
it is my intention at the point of this post to allow all others, in whatever form they are, to express themselves here without entanglement.
should any being(s) wish to engage me in discussion, with the understanding that my struggles are my own and no reflection on them, i intend to remain open to that offer -- knowing that either of us may disconnect if/when appropriate.
at an appropriate point, i hope to extend gratitude to prairie for creating this venue within the venue i'm so thankful that Songs created. but first, working on those communication skills (or lack thereof, to be more precise).
Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:06 pm Posts: 193 Has thanked:568 times Been thanked:425 times
The virus is possibly the most sophisticated disinfo agent I’ve encountered. Detection is crucial to finding more of me – I own what the virus covets, and the virus guards those parts of me with breathtaking vigour. That’s why proper breathing is an important part of my evolution. Direct attacks are exhausting and largely non-productive. The virus seems to gain strength from emotion-laden, frantic muppet-flailing. It seems to release its grasp on me when I apply early detection/swift response devoid of emotion.
A pattern I learned from within the last couple of years, was allowing myself to be pushed too far, too fast. Frequently (as an example), the guys who sign my paycheque ignore a project until 15 minutes before the deadline, and the project that should take five hours must be done now, now, now! Aha, this is the ‘Overload' program, which is weakened by slowing down, taking a few deep breaths, and not responding to the unrealistic demand for hyperspeed. As an added bonus, I’ve finally learned at close to a cellular level that my job is not only not important, it isn’t even real. If it was, I could not complete a five hour project in 15 minutes.
The ‘Critic’s Voice’ program isn’t working terribly well for the virus in me any longer. Why argue with a recorded message? Raise one eyebrow, breathe deeply, turn my head to a different angle and do what is necessary (which is sometimes at a 43 degree angle to the direction the recorded message is banging on about). Should the message get louder, laughing at it seems to shut it right down. This program is a reminder to retain my authority and my direction when challenged.
The ‘Surprise! Anger!’ program still entertains me, which may or may not be wise. (Surprise, I wasn’t expecting William Shatner either – but then, who does?) I haven’t yet discovered what initiates it (the program, not William Shatner), but I guess that’s why it’s named ‘Surprise! Anger!’ instead of ‘Hey, hello there, you, yes you, are you ready? Here’s anger!’. This one is easy to recognize after the 500th time, because it’s where anger comes out of nowhere and/or is at a level completely out of proportion to the issue. My most common response is to bend from the waist until my spine stops popping, then ask where this is coming from. If I don’t get solid feedback, I bend backwards and repeat the question. Sometimes I like to ‘Surprise! Anger!’ back and go into pseudo berserk mode by overacting but in a controlled way. I interpret this as a reminder that I have not yet properly scripted what I’m doing.
Some attacks still intrigue me and frustrate my evolution: Fatigue (yes, I know, it’s common with MS), forgetting to eat, sleep interruptions (also common with MS), each of which on their own or, even better, as a tag team, can interfere with my ability to remember to slow down and breathe deeply. I need to take better care of myself. AHAHAHA
This is just a start. And it does not address virus expressions I’ve experienced in groups.
Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:06 pm Posts: 193 Has thanked:568 times Been thanked:425 times
Brief note: (<--- AHAHAHAHHA unintentional comedy -- I can be a word minimalist when expressing words in the matrix; this is not brief but then again this isn’t intended to be matrixified) I experience the virus both internally and externally.
Internally, the software program has been customized for me (good job, too – round of applause for the designers!).
Externally, I experience the virus more like thick smoke than a set of earbuds. When fully on its game, the smoke enters the group’s area slowly so I don’t really notice my vision getting blurrier, or my breathing getting more difficult, until there is a moment where I realize I can’t breathe, I can’t see, I panic and fall into panic-driven and potentially destructive behaviours. Which, I admit, is brilliant; the virus doesn’t need to do much at this point except keep reminding me that I’m under attack and must protect myself at all costs!
Oooh, important to remember that this urge to protect me first does appear to have a logical basis – if I am unable to save myself, I cannot save anyone else. Which is a load of crap. But repeat the lie often enough and a lot of people believe it, I guess.
What I’ve observed is, others in the group often respond in a similar fashion. We, the members of the group who are now virus-driven, transform from rational, intelligent people into screaming, thrashing near cadavers whose only goal is to suck the lone remaining oxygen molecule out of the air.
Breathe deeply. Slow down. Pay attention to changes in my reactions. Question the changes. Direct any rising emotions to wait until the analysis is complete. Know that my body will react appropriately to any physical danger (such as an actual fire in the building) without having to analyze anything, and if any physical danger were present, my body would have reacted already. Therefore the ‘attack’ is either a chance for me to learn, or a chance for me to demonstrate what I have learned. Of course, all of this is based on the strength of my perceptions regarding the participants.
Looking at the size of this post, I’m splitting it down to show only the topics here, detailed minimally in the following four posts like this:
Section 1 Death by Details Ego Terrorism False Victim I Remember
Section 2 IDK (I Didn’t/Don’t Know) Lingo Bingo Name Calling Oh, NOW I Remember
Section 3 Pseudo OCD Smack and Scram Smack and Scramble The 4Ts
Section 4 We Don’t Like Focus, Do We? We’re Important, They Are Not We’re Important, You Are Not You Must Be Making Me Angry
Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:06 pm Posts: 193 Has thanked:568 times Been thanked:425 times
Section 1: Death by Details, Ego Terrorism, False Victim, I Remember
‘Death by Details’ Distracting from the issue by demanding too many details, too many studies, too much data
Common virus-driven reactions include handing a sheaf of blank paper at the person making the demands, while the group gets into huge arguments about exactly what information is missing and exactly who failed to do what by when.
What has been more effective? Asking what we can do until such data is available, how long the process can be delayed before it’s too late to be of use. . . . ‘Ego Terrorism’ Where otherwise intelligent and sincere individuals become paranoid about every single word, cough, sneeze and bathroom break
Common virus-driven reactions include the group distancing itself from that one person; I am often quite confused when there is no such group attack and wonder why the person can’t see this is something else; both reactions often reinforce the person’s belief of being singled out.
What has been more effective? Hmmmmm, more analysis required. . . . ‘False Victim’ Where one participant accuses another of attacking, when proof of the attacks is flimsy or non-existent
Common virus-driven reactions include trampling rational exploration into the ground while jumping on the bandwagon, while I sit back in utter confusion/disgust, unable to determine a more positive approach.
What has been more effective? If even a few people are able to unhitch the virus and the person who was attacked is willing to continue participating, I can ask questions to strengthen their natural inclination to investigate further; if not enough people are able/willing to investigate further, or if the person who was attacked does not want to participate, then ….nothing, so far. . . . ‘I Remember’ Where at least one participant suddenly ‘remembers’ a past event involving at least one other participant and, by telling everyone, allows the memory to cast doubt on that participant
Common virus-driven reactions include general shock and immediate acceptance of the event as both fact and having occurred precisely as explained, with a gradual acceptance of suspicion, while the participant under suspicion rails against the injustice.
What has been more effective? Consider the behaviour of the participant that I have seen; listen to that participant’s version of the story (especially if no one else will); consider if the participant may have changed since the event; consider if this has any impact on me at all.
Last edited by GoingOn on Sat Sep 29, 2012 3:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:06 pm Posts: 193 Has thanked:568 times Been thanked:425 times
Section 2 IDK (I Didn’t/Don’t Know), Lingo Bingo, Name Calling, Oh, NOW I Remember
‘IDK (I Didn’t/Don’t Know)’ Where one or more participants suddenly can’t remember, can’t find the paperwork, or otherwise shirk responsibility for their part in the process
Common virus-driven reactions include the group leader assigning me the task of cleaning up the mess so that later, everyone remembers it was my fault; I rage silently.
What has been more effective? Not sure how effective it is, but I laugh. Often out loud and during the assignment procedure. . . . ‘Lingo Bingo’ Where one or more participants seek to exert authority, wrongfully, by using terms in an underhanded or misleading way
Common virus-driven reactions include hauling out a dictionary and reading out the definitions of each word until I am ejected from the meeting, which generally continues until the people seeking control get it through intimidation coated with a veneer of false pleasantries.
What has been more effective? No further tests have occurred on this. Yet. . . . ‘Name Calling’ Which, in sophisticated groups, is often well disguised and the individual who is at the receiving end of this game can then be wrongly accused of having ‘too much of an ego’
Common virus-driven reactions are similar to ‘False Victim’ and biting my tongue, and as I type this I’m questioning why I haven’t progressed at all in this. Hmmmmm.
What has been more effective? I dunno. Yet. . . . ‘Oh, NOW I Remember’ Where at least one participant ‘remembers’ the past event, too late to mention during the group’s processing time, but mentions it often enough to keep the issue fresh in everyone’s mind for the next group processing time
Common virus-driven reactions include gossiping, adding details, making jokes at the participant’s expense; often, one person is selected (or volunteers) to befriend the participant in the hopes of getting more details which then are often ‘adjusted’ to suit the level of suspicion and or ridicule that arises.
What has been more effective? I dunno, but I have asked nicely and then told people outright that I have no interest in this so leave me out of it. It doesn’t solve the problem for the participant but it gives me distance from the rest of the group.
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Why argue with a recorded message? Raise one eyebrow, breathe deeply, turn my head to a different angle and do what is necessary (which is sometimes at a 43 degree angle to the direction the recorded message is banging on about). Should the message get louder, laughing at it seems to shut it right down. This program is a reminder to retain my authority and my direction when challenged. 
(yes, I know, it’s common with MS), forgetting to eat, sleep interruptions (also common with MS), each of which on their own or, even better, as a tag team, can interfere with my ability to remember to slow down and breathe deeply. I need to take better care of myself. 
