songsfortheotherkind.com

Zebra and I were talking the other night on skype and she said to me that I'd never actually talked about the evolution signal with a view to expressing it. So this is the post I'm going to work on while I'm waiting for my recording device.

Jump in with your own perspectives if you like. It's all sui generis, after all.

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

You've just described a major aspect of the journey of my life since the age of 14. I had no language with which to describe the feelings, the intuitions inside of me, and because I didn't have the words so often my intuitions were brushed aside in the face of the 'logic' and 'reality' of others; and yes, this resulted in illness to the degree that for almost 6 years I had full blown '21st century disease'- I was allergic to everything, would have seizures around mobile phones, went down to 46 kilos and then would balloon back out, could only eat the simplest of foods, had a myriad of symptoms- and a strong intuition that it was emotionally based. How did I get well? I worked with others who had it, as a counselor and intuitive. I mapped their virus and sickness, working while propped up against furniture and cushions, often unable to move much physically but able to extend my energetic body into the space so I could get into the signal and figure out what was happening. As I worked it out in them, I worked it out in me. Now, I'm getting back to me so much that the other day I boosted my 6'2" partner off my back and onto the roof; I am so strong that I can act as the base in acrobalance for two of my older kids, one on my shoulders while the other one stands on them. *grinning* I can remember the open mouthed astonishment of a family in one of the parks in Brisbane a few years ago, when their kids kicked a ball in the tree and couldn't get it down- hup, up! and my kids are on my shoulders, climbing over each other until they're in the tree. The dad looked really uncomfortable- so many men are, with really strong women, I've noticed. I've lifted the back of a kombi and pushed it up a hill when I was pregnant, out of necessity- it was one of the things that kept leading me to the belief system based nature of the physical avatar. I'm working on that one a lot these days.

Your comments about loving the avatar have really made a shift for me; I have been making a point of connecting with my body and pouring the energy through my hands and into my Self, just letting me love this body, instead of all the judgements that have been trying to kick me in the head about it- in the Otherrealms I never feel 'wrong', or ugly, or fat, or not good enough, because I know the Beings I'm with are looking at my signal, my energy, the way my hands and eyes light up when I'm connected to my essence, the way my Shine activates when I'm in the spaces I love; there, I'm not just this battle scarred physical avatar- being around those carrying the paradigm does that to me, I've noticed, I feel so badly about my Self simply because of how I look that all my energy starts to fade away, my ability to create, to manifest, just ends up like a pile of goo on the floor.

Which is about when Pan comes strolling through the door and gives me the 'you're a total dickhead' look before strolling back out through the back wall, and I shrug my shoulders in agreement and go training, because I like getting back to being able to spin kick above my own head. *grinning*

Following the heart- one of the things that this paradigm strives the hardest to strangle, so if any individual is really interested in sporking the virus, try that one- follow your heart, truly follow it- and watch what happens: it might not be easy and it transforms everything...

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

Oh, Bingo. This is one that has been working in through the outer edges of my awareness. It's liberating, but as yet still seems to be 'out there' rather than internalized, much less strong enough to hold yet in the presence of others. But I know it's gotta be the only way to roll... I've seen it activated before and can vividly imagine the feel of it. It's not so much appearance, but the grace that shines through. The fact of living in a sea of energies makes the interaction between these elements more important than the composure of the most superficial layer; so that what is deemed as 'ugly' is unnoticeable or accentuates the symphony of it. The perceiver also needs to be able to let down the guards in order to see the beauty of what's really there...

When I first created the Pub back in PA, I had very specific purpose and intention in doing it: I had a signal within me, the songs of the sui generis, of autonomy, a world without Empire and the means to bring this into Being- and I wanted to find others that were interested in the same. I had the signal and I wanted to map my way through it, and I hoped that it would be possible to do this in the company of those who could help me triangulate the signal, discover the language of it, co-create it, give me feedback that would help me refine and intensify the frequency.

It didn't work out like that there; from the outset there were all kinds of uproars, shit flying at me, individuals making assumptions and judgements left right and centre; my integrity, my Art, my Being, my motives, the sui generis language I was crafting, my personality, my sanity, my expression of *my own* signal, everything about me came under attack, until finally I was booted in a triumphant little witch burning, with shit being said about me both publicly and privately. It was really hard to deal with at the time, but there was the space for a rebirth and so that happened.

Something odd happened though, along the way; I noticed that for some weird reason, any individual that came strolling through the doors of the Pub seemed to think that they had absolute right to take possession of my Art, my expression and my perspective

and do whatever the fuck with it they liked. They could twist it, contort it, misinterpret, judge, critique, tell me how I should or shouldn't have done things

and I was reminded of something that happened between me and my eldest son a few years ago. He was holding forth about how I had failed to live up to his expectations in some way or another and how this meant things about me as a Being; I was just leaning against the table, listening to the ghost of other conversations in the past with other children weaving in and out of his own and when he'd finished, convinced of his own rightness and of his correct summations of my character flaws, I took a marker and drew a grid on the side of the fridge, and wrote all the names of my children down one side. Then, beside each name, I wrote a summation of what each of my children had thought I should have been.

Here's a pictorial description:

Krystal, my eldest, thought I should be like this-









Here's my eldest son River's idea-











Already a major problem emerges.

Next son Callum-









hrm, it's all starting to get a tad conflicted-

Nahele's version-







This is what my daughter Noah thought I should be doing with my time



This is what Supergirl wants



So my son was standing there, taking in my descriptions, and the light was gradually dawning in his eyes. I gestured to the list and asked

"where, in all these stories of who I was *supposed* to be, did I get to just be my Self?"

River has not ever given me shit about being my Self again.

I experienced the same thing as soon as I ventured out with my Art- my desire to co-create with others seemed to give carte blanche to anyone with an inclination to take my tools out of my hands and start redoing my canvas with their own interpretations, or telling me where the words are wrong, or I'm wrong, or it would be better if *this* bit was over there, or that bit completely chucked out

so I turn to them and politely ask where their *own* Art is, so that I can see their own expression, because with so much to say about mine surely they must have their own

and I got flamed for it, royally and thoroughly, because that wasn't part of the deal- the contract is, *others* are going to put their Art out there, and everyone else gets to take a shot.

Who created THAT fucking contract? I'll tell you who *I* think created that contract-

those who can only copy but never create something original. The makers, utterly devoid of creative force or Life signal. Everything else flows like oil clogged water from that point.

I'm copping stuff from a few directions at the moment, all these vested interests in who I'm supposed to be, and not be, what I'm supposed to say, and not say, and how holding the sui generis isn't being loyal, or how I get it wrong, or how I suck as an individual, or how my Realms suck, or my vision, or the way I'm going about things, or how it's about being nice to one another rather than holding to the sui generis and autonomy, or how pushing the envelope of the virus has to be wrapped in comfortability or else I'm doing something wrong



and I feel like an artist who has a whole bunch of critics hovering over my shoulder telling me all these conflicting stories about how my Art is supposed to be and what its supposed to look like

and I keep seeing the virus expressions, just like I did when I was a kid, and I've been standing back from it all, wondering

if it would be better for me to



and just become anonymous again, make films and upload audios, the occasional essay, and stay invisible the rest of the time because the irony of being hammered from various sides for being comfortable with Infinite Possibilities, so therefore having no attachment to stories, while the whole thing of what I talk about IS undoing the limitations of the virus, is apparently flying over the heads of the majority like a hamburger.

Am I the only one observing the irony of this?

In the process of contemplating this, I realised that what I really wanted wasn't to abandon another Pub, make my Self invisible again or any of those options- what I want to do is stand here, Pan Galactic in hand and preparing to smash my brains out once more with a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick, and point to the many construments that I get entangled in from others, like lots of little Spidermen busily covering me in their webs. And I've been trying to back out of it without hurting anyone, but that's not going to happen, really, as I've learned

so I'm going to be more jet eyed about things- I love this place and the people in it, utterly, some to degrees that catch me by delighted surprise and awe, so that I fling open all the Gates and just want to dance and co-create-

and that's not an invitation to try and make me fit anyone's agenda, because just like my children everyone has different versions of me, of the world, of connection, of love, of intimacy, of friendship, of 'what these things mean', and I'm the hub of a lot of projection here, a fuckload of it, as is the sui generis platform, the concept of the autonomy and the attachment to subjectivity.

I have been looking at what I do with my Art, in the light of some things that have been said to me about it; I have been holding it up to the hologram, questioning my vision of a virus free realm, if this isn't just another form of heteronomy of sorts, and if the virus is so subtle in me that I can't see its tricks, that I'm just a different kind of agent and everything that I've seen is nothing more than another construment

and I look at the ones here I utterly love and laugh at the idea that I could be 'clever' enough to bullshit them because they'd see through it in five seconds- and I laugh at my Self for even wondering if I'm like that.

I'm going to continue to paint the sui generis because I want to, because I love it, because it's what I like to do- if it's nothing more than an empty dream, well there you go, at least it was something I could resonate to and with, which is more than anything else I've stumbled across in the entire paradigm's worth of perspectives and blithering philosophies

and if I die again because there really is nothing better than what's here, and this is all there is, and the virus is always going to win anyway, at least I'll have had the vision lighting me up from within and I'll have created my life from that space, as useless and meaningless as that may ultimately be. I'm ok with it. I'll hold the space for a different Verse and I might wake up from this dream utterly alone, to find I've always been alone, and that this is a way of creating worlds where I'm not alone

and it will still be ok because at the very depths of my Being I know for my Self

that no Art is wasted. I can't defend this position, don't have anything to back that up, just my own Self, and that's enough, at least for me, because my imagination and visions are fucking awesome and for those that disagree, I invite them to create *their* visions, live into what their Art is- and I'm not up for having mine fucked with.



This is what I'm creating, and I absolutely love to co-create. Triangulation is always welcome. Judgement is not.

I'm going to write a post about the difference between these two things...

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

That's it, Gekko- each of us has this, in our life, because we're each our own Neo, our own Ringbearer, the carrier of our own signal and the only one that can express it.

I've been getting these reminders from all directions of late and I'm laughing with the energy now, holding up my hands in non-defensive and embracing the journey...

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

My last post was created in response to my *own issues* with these things, because I'm about to put my Self out there even more at the end of this month with a series of public talks about the sui generis, the autonomy and how to take it up as a practice and I'm going to be exposed to a lot of individuals freaking out about *their* sacred cows being done away with and thus taking it out on me. I have to have a stronger sense of Self for this work, which is precisely why I'm living into it- no matter what that takes, and even if it came down to not one single Being on the planet being truly interested in this path- or in me- *I* still want this, *I* still want me. None of this exploration is externally personal, it's about *my evolution* and how I'm confronting and crafting that, it's not about the perceptions of others.

I have an internal shuddery response to being maligned- I've written about what it was like to be small and surrounded by construment as I'd be sitting in the office of every new school- I went to 56 as a kid due to my mother's habit of creating shit wherever she went and us having to move as a result- and at each new school my hopes of something different would be strangled in front of me as my mother sat there and told the headmaster what a pathological liar I was, and how I liked to cause her trouble by my fantasies about being beaten by my mother



and I'd watch with dread that expression draw down on the adult's face, that 'well, she won't get away with that shit with *me* look' and my stomach would clench in fear and despair, because there was *nothing* I was going to be able to do or say that would change this and I lived under the shadow of judgement and being seen through narrowed eyes.

I totally get the origins of this reaction in me. Does it make it any less easy to bear? No fucking way: even now the thought of experiencing the judgement of others who are standing right in front of me physically and sending the energy of their *own* issues at me flares an instant





and I get that this happens, I'm not interested in it so I've been working on taking a different path with it all. This has been about deliberately opening my heart chakra, deconstricting my chest physically, flooding my belly with acceptance and support of my Being, breathing through the freakouts and staying non-defensive. It's challenged the fuck out of my internal programming, the one that runs all the stories of what someone else's disapproval means- I had it the other day when I was filling in for a friend's sick receptionist, some woman who was having a shit day and decided to take it out on me and for a few moments I wanted to slam the fuck out of her energetically- who the fuck do you think YOU are?- all the self righteousness and indignation at some other individual bringing their unwanted shit to me- and I didn't give the thought any energy, just let it slide over me while it screamed at me what a loser I was, and how I was just letting my Self be fucked over without doing anything about it, blah blah blah

(this image was just too huge, I think it sporked the whole thread!)

and that's what I know about the virus, it isn't out there, it's in here *points to my own chest and head and gut*, it's in *me*, and that's the only place I can do anything about it, which is why sometimes I stay open to being continually slammed, because I'm wanting to map the virus in me that opens me to *any* experience that hurts

and I know sometimes this makes me look crazy, or that I am intentionally self harming, or that I don't have my shit together- and I'm aware that sometimes in this process I think those things about my Self too, yet I know what it is that I'm going for: in 'do no harm' there's no place for being willing to hurt my Self, for being open to being affected and hurt by the the virus energies that are not mine, because what's 'hurt'? What's 'betrayal'? What is *my experience* of another's behaviour but a story in my own head- and if I'm experiencing something, why would I want to tell my Self a shit story? Why not a mindblowingly amazing one? Why not create a space in which there's only expansion in me, an utter disinterest in whatever the virus in me wants me to engage in because there are so many other things to be doing?



none of this is easy, in any way- as I've struggled with this I've been dealing with my inner demons coming up to try and balrog me again, the virus hitting me repeatedly where it knows I'm vulnerable, using individuals that I love to do it- my own kids, random individuals, friends and lovers- and instead of taking it personally and making it a war I've chosen to deliberately breathe, deconstrict, get wider with each experience instead of more contracted and defensive, because I accept that the experience is happening *in me* first, so that's where I want to undo it.

"Love others as you love your Self"- no wonder the world is full of war, with this much self hate within me waiting to express itself. I'm declining the war- I love, *and* I'm not playing any game that the virus wants me so desperately to play; I know *I* am not the virus, so I'm going looking for the Shine that is me



I am taking up the signal that I had as a kid again, for *me*, because I want to be this Being that I'm living into- I'm expressing my Self as I want to be, and if there are others this resonates with, awesome, and for those that it doesn't, that's just how the infinite realms work- if I take it personally there's going to be a lot of umbrage in my life and frankly I have subzero interest in that.

I have the power to create *my* world, so I'm making it an awesome one...

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

I'm going to mainly keep working in this thread because frankly, nothing very interesting is happening in any of the others and there's only so much tra la la posting that I can engage with. I am even more focused these days than I was in PA, and I've realised that it's part of my introversion cycle- I find individuals with whom I can play, I play enough to discover if there's anything more than play happening, if there is I'll explore that, if that possibility ends I'll move into another way of Being. I'm still working out how I want to interact online: my own evolution is moving so rapidly on every front that it's difficult sometimes for me to remember what I was like last week, let alone six months, a year ago. Perhaps that's why I write- it serves as a kind of memory bank, so that I can discover what I was processing back then and how I did it- once I've embodied something I don't hold onto the process of how I did it, or how I got there, unless it's in specific ways: I remember signal, flow, virus, that sort of thing, but am frequently fuzzy on details unless a specific situation pings a certain memory. Often I simply do memory dumps out into the Field, and recall it from there when I have to so it's not getting in the way of the processing and evolving I'm doing now.

This means I do 'friendship' in a way that seems very disjointed to socially entrained Beings. I don't do connection when there's nothing happening; I'm too busy with the evolution to get dragged into the torpidity, it does bad things to my head. I have been organising things here, wishing I had more multimedia savvy helpers than what I currently do- I am working out how to create interactive presentations of some of the tons of info that I have related to the sui generis and the histories- as well as wrangling video editing programs, gardens, children, training, housekeeping, writing and taking care of my Self. The writing is something I'm experimenting with and at this stage I don't really have a demo of it, so I'll put it up here when I've got something to show. I'm also getting into creating my own electronica music again, *lots* of dancing, getting caught up in sui generis conversations with locals on a daily basis- Triffid is used to me getting home later than when I think I will, and he just grins- "you got caught up in another conversation again, didn't you"- but he also needs his space to do his work, so we're really needing to get this nanny/other mother thing sorted. My life is becoming really rich.

A particular thing gobsmacked me for a couple of days- I got a memory unlock and flailed around with it for a bit, open mouthed in a totally 'wtf are you TALKING ABOUT?' kind of way, but after it settled there's a great deal of peace and 'aha' around why I never feel safe in this paradigm, further than I previously thought. I've been working through this in this past week, it's come up both in my acupuncture and feldenkrais sessions this week- there has been a great deal shifted: today I did a feldenkrais session where I was battling through being silenced and strangled, feeling layer after layer of constriction and old body memory dissolving as I thrashed and gasped for air- it was utterly awesome and brilliant, I am holding my jaw and neck so totally differently, I'm moving more freely and the really fascinating thing is how much more fluidly my mind is operating- I seem to have gained a few levels in terms of speed, fluidity and vividness, richness, connectivity of thought. I can feel that I'm processing with a different part of my brain and it's working differently to how it was before.

My acupuncturist has told me that she utterly loves working on me; she's told me that there's no use giving me herbs or supplements at this stage because I simply shift too rapidly- she is fascinated by how much I can shift just by her telling me what I need to do: it helps that she throws such clear energetic imagery so I know what she's aiming for, so I just shift while she's thoughtspeeching while she's feeling my pulse- I can shift my system within seconds, so that the pulse changes while she's feeling it. The needles work a far deeper shift- I can transfer the internal cold I'm struggling with into the needles to the degree that they feel utterly cold to her when she takes them out. I'm also playing with my internal fires using tai chi and qi gong, which is shifting the digestive issues I have. I don't like human food, it's that simple, so one of our top priorities here at home is to get our cold press juicer and super blender asap- I do better on super food juices and smoothies than on anything else so that's what I'm going to live on for awhile and see what happens.

So why am I talking about fast processing and shifting systems? Because they're utterly do-able for *any* individual, it's simply the intention must be present. I'm having a ball tweaking my system, shifting my bodymass- I'm working on getting taller, stretching my legs back out like they were before the accident, which will add at least 3 inches or so to my height; my eyes continue their color change journey, I've amped my training weights again because it's getting so easy to do- and this is not at all about 'oh, look at how fabulous I am', it's about this is what's possible- what would you want to shift, experience, evolve into, if you thought everything and anything is possible? Which it is.


this avatar is utterly malleable, like the so-called 'reality'- the more we *truly* live into this, just throw off the matrix and live into our Being, the faster all the other abilities come on line. I don't have any other interest than the evolution- I just don't, truly don't- and so everything I do orbits around that central axis. I don't have whatever social genes are necessary to be interested in anything not evolution related- this makes me rather intense to be around, I'm aware, and perhaps this is why I've taken up so much physical activity again: I can divert a tremendous amount of energy into movement, focus and play with energy my Self rather than being constantly aware of the utter lack of community around me with which to explore on a deep level. I just figure that there's a reason for this that will become more obvious at some point and then I'll find out what's next: for now, I get that there's no-one in my realm on this plane that is up for the ferocious freefalling exploration that I enjoy, emotional exploration as extreme sport simply isn't a form of play that's engaged in much in general, so I'm aware that I'm looking for a rare signal as it is. I'm no longer actively seeking it- I've learned that what I'm wanting is so much deeper than most are wanting or prepared to go, so I'm not going to even be interested unless someone comes along with the actual expression, energy and consciousness to back up their claims. This could have left me in a hole, but I'm currently shifting and connecting the large part of my Cubus energy out of this realm- I'm accepting that it's utterly useless here, there's no interesting Beings on that level in my physical world and I don't need as much as I have available to do interesting energetic things- the remainder of my Cubus is being directed inwards to my Self, fueling all the training, dancing, body modding, evolving, exploration and play I'm engaging in, so it's working out ok.

I'm going to a women only workshop next weekend called The Pleasure Temple which is all about female sexuality and immersing in pleasure, which I'm absolutely looking forward to. I'm gifting my Self good things and consciously creating my experience, the things I want to experience, rather than waiting for them to come to me, or appear in my world. I'm accepting that I'm truly sui generis in all things, which includes what interests and appeals to me, so I'd better get used to amusing my Self on every level.

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

Thanks for keeping things moving, Songs. You are amazing.

*smiling over at you*

Thank you.

_________________
"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot