|My year spent living the life of the Sui Generis
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|Author:||...En... [ Sat Nov 02, 2013 3:18 pm ]|
|Post subject:||My year spent living the life of the Sui Generis|
A year in the life of the Sui Generis
Disclaimer: well this ended up a pretty hefty piece of writing... I hope you can appreciate my raw writing style and my lack of editing......... I am new to the whole writing game and these after the first sizable things I have written in 6 years
As I write this post it has been almost exactly 1 year since I started living with Songs. How fortunate we were to only be living 2 hours drive away from one another. This post will be about my experience living the lifestyle.
First up a bit of background about me. I was born and raised in Brisbane city Australia. Living in the same house for 23 years of my life. Two parents that should have separated years and years ago, but stayed together 'for the kids'. One younger brother. I look at the environment that I grew up in now and am kind disillusioned. I did not grow up in the 'real' world. I grew up in a world of smoke and mirrors. A world hugely cut off from anything natural, pure man made artificiality.
I was a hugely sensitive kid, and unfortunately my environment didn't really support or comprehend 'energy'. Any natural energetic awareness I had was quickly shut off in order to cope. For the large part of my life, spirituality and energy did not exist. I would have ridiculed anyone who 'believed' in that stuff.
Growing up in a world where all my peers watched television. It's crazy for me to look at what my inner belief systems, that I had never even taken the time to think about, were. A series of half baked notions, dis-empowerment and 'lab coat' type facts. Your thought patterns cycle around nothing but superficial crap constantly. When you rarely spend time in a natural environment, removed from that signal/frequency, it seems easier for the 'programming' to impact upon you. To appear 'real'.
Though I lost much of my sensitivity I never really lost my perceptiveness. I put this down, largely, to being deaf in one ear, forcing me to pay more attention to body language in communication. I enjoyed watching how people worked. Social interactions. I started to become increasingly distressed at what I saw the older I got. Increasing levels of homogeny. Mental and emotional manipulative games. Hierarchy and cruelty.
This appeared to be just the way the world was to me. I couldn't see anything that showed me otherwise. None of my mentors were outside of it. I could pick apart their hypocrisy easily. I began to turn all this anger and distress inward. There was something wrong with me. The sheer weight of external proof I could find to justify this. I could really smash myself at times. Yet to start acting like those around me, felt like I was killing my soul. Losing any sense of uniqueness. All these painful emotions swirling about and nothing to do with them.
I never really took the time to explore what it was that I was observing. I had no language to express it. It was largely coming from my depth of perception coupled with a strong sense of intuition. This fire inside me. There were so few external expressions that resonated.
My method of dealing with it? Dissociation and keeping myself externally focused. Keeping my mind occupied. I stayed inside playing computer games any spare moment I had. Watching TV. I found resonance in punk and hardcore music, constantly streaming them. Helping transform my depression into the outlet of rage. Giving me loads of justifications for being angry, it felt good. It was a release I could pour all this emotion that I didn't know what to do with into. My base emotional operating platform become one of rage, if I could hold on to the sense of justification that came with the rage, I could dismiss the sheer distress that it was masking. I could continue to function. Unfortunately rage requires a whole shitload of external focus for fuel.
I survived school and decided to become a carpenter. I had always enjoyed making things.It was such a massive transition. Going from sitting in air conditioned classrooms barely lifting a finger. To working 40 hours a week, hard labour. For $6.95 an hour. Sheer ignorance getting me through. Working amidst a bunch of seasoned 'men'. Any innocence and sensitivity I had still operating was quickly suppressed. 'Hardening the fuck up'. Surrounded by shit brained conversation on a daily basis. Taking the piss from one another constantly, I developed some excellent defence mechanisms. I could play the game as good as any by the end. Alcoholism, drugs and sex being the focus. Suppressing the stress that working so hard generates and going for the big release and numbing out every weekend. Balancing out the internal state. Unfortunately the more you deal with it this way, the more you need to do it, the less effective it becomes. By the time I had finished my apprenticeship I could no longer suppress the emotions any longer. Chain smoking at work, smoking weed all weekend and getting wasted on a Friday or Saturday night. Lost in this miasm of wanting the things that those around me wanted. Lost in the roundabout fucked up way of attempting to get these things I thought I wanted.
This was enough to crack through my ego, I needed to change. I started reading. I read 60 non-fiction books in a year. I was fortunate enough to have plenty of spare time having finished my apprenticeship, earning good money and only needing to work part time. I spent months scouring the internet all day for information. Reading internet forums, others opinions, integrating. Finding groups of people talking about their experience in a way that deeply resonated with my own. In ways that did not contain the rage that I had. So much light was cast onto my experience. So much release. This sense of self empowerment. Constrictions dissolving before my very eyes.
I began to see the potential. To find fascination in the workings of the mind. To learn how to use this to increasingly empower myself. To transform. I was building my own operating system, listening to my own feelings again, guiding me. Synthesising bits and pieces from this philosophy and that, this area of information and that. Creating a system that made sense to me. That worked for me. The more I really explored this, the more I started to feel like most of the other packages of thought (religions, spiritual practices, philosophies, science) were lacking in some way shape or form. It was interesting for me to observe the similarities between all these areas, yet the huge amounts of dissonance that arise between them. So many of them seemingly hitting the ceiling in their possibility for evolution. To many constrictions/rules. Dogma's outside of the actual personal experience of those adhering to them. Systems do not place emphasis on the individual EXPERIENCE. Systems that require the individual to meditate in isolation for hours on end in order to experience anything. I felt this ever increasing desire to build a system, one package to rule them all muahahah.
At one point, in my brief exploration with magic (sigil magick: using the manifestation power of the sub-concious, writing out a desire, crossing out all the consonants, crossing out the repeated vowels and drawing a picture using the remaining vowels. Putting in in a place where we see it regularly in the peripherals) the desire that I had expressed was to write a 'paradigm changing speech'. A speech with such clarity it was capable of brining profound transformation to all who heard it.
Unfortunately it's almost next to impossible to do this kind of work when you are still heavily limited and constricted in certain areas yourself. I began delivering massive speeches to all my friends whenever they would listen. Compiling what I felt were key pieces of information from all fields. Despite my enthusiasm and energy, very little changed. I hadn't really changed. My baseline rage still running, still smoking and drinking. I would attempt to leave old habits behind only to be sucked back in to the instant gratification, whenever around my friends. Social groups of that variety being largely used for self-referencing justifications. It didn't take much. Part of me still wanted to hide, hiding was easy. I was like a pendulum, hitting the wall of being able to hide by smoking and drinking and the internal dissonance rising, swinging towards quitting everything and being super focused on my evolution.
I can still feel the potential in me to swing to this day. There was no way I could continue to hang around my old circles and pursue the path that the heart really wanted. There was no way that I could become myself around those people. Bonds created largely out of mutual emotional based addiction patterns. Addiction patterns that some would quite happily have all their life. Not me.
The only problem... I had no idea of where to go. My brief experiences being around 'spiritual' people was that these practices were too 'watered down' for a being like me. I have always been kind of intense, very aware of this raging flame inside me despite circumstance. Nothing seemed to encapsulate was felt 'right' for me. I felt trapped, the rage in me started to amp big time.
I found Songs and the Sui Generis work just in time. Lurking the project avalon forums at the precise timing she decided to launch her work for a test run. I found her method of expression fascinating. Her way of looking at things. Her depth of exploration into meaning and language, showing me things that I had never even considered before. Calling for me to observe more closely how I was 'framing' my thoughts, words and actions. Clearly demonstrating the pitfalls of expressing external authority in any way. It's fairly self-evident isn't it? It gave me a frame of reference for self analysis that I hadn't had.
Initially I was horrified at how much heteronomy was embedded into my character and ego self that I had created/taken on through the environmental culture. The degree of assumptions about others I was making based on MY OWN experience. Challenging me to look at the motivations behind my actions. Seeing how much of myself was geared towards impressing others. How much I had tried to mould myself in order to achieve this. How much doing this had fucked me up. Directing all my energy externally. How could I ever be self empowered when my environment had more of a say about who I was then I did? To begin to observe and empower my own experience. To really listen to my intuition and feelings once again.
To me, this is the real spirituality. Consciously building our relation with all the elements in our environment. Letting them show us who they are, learning how to get outside of our own projections. So that we never run the risk of becoming enlightened, 'knowing it all'. Becoming a closed loop where no evolution can be had and stagnation occurs. To thing that there is some point we can hit where we suddenly know it all? That the multiverse is not continually expanding and exploring new things. Its ALL in the approach. The beauty of the Sui Generis is that ANYONE of ANY degree of intelligence can begin to work with it. The questions that it causes the individual to ask themselves are the fertile soil for growth to be had. It does not require the individual to accept any new beliefs, instead allowing them to experiment and explore themselves and for themselves. 'Keeping it real' and pertinent to the individual. Personal experience = embodiment, or a way higher probability for embodiment anyways.
My experience living the life
When you grow up in a culture where heteronomy is rife. It's not surprising how much heteronomy we take on and embody for ourselves. I personally think that the masculine signal is far more receptive to this distortion of mind then the feminine.
I made the mistake of underestimating how much this way of being was running in me. The Sui Generis appears so simple at surface level, yet I failed to take into account the power of programming. The power of habit. The power of emotional trigger. I'm naturally an introverted individual. Spending most of my time living in solitude in my bedroom growing up. Living with 4 others including two children 4 and 9 brought up some immense challenges for me.
Much exploration was put into Sui Generis parenting between Songs and I. They are delightful and enjoyable at times, yet I found the constant mess that free range kids generate highly distressing at times. Exerting all this energy cleaning up only to find it trashed again 5-10-15mins later. Ahhhh! The fact that they are still learning and have a degree of energy and attention dependence from the adults around them. Having to repeatedly do things that aren't particularly 'fun' for individuals outside of myself.... What the fuck???? Kids that refuse to be controlled. Kids that won't listen to you. Whos autonomy is testing out and learning of the boundaries of those in their environment. How do I maintain my own boundaries around them? How much can I transform my boundaries to acknowledge the fact that they are just kids and learning, so that I can be nurturing and helping them come into this world with a healthy mindset and self perception?
Such a challenging thing for an individual who is trying to rebuild himself at the same time. How do I maintain my integrity in such a space? As best as I can........ Focusing on remaining positive as best as I can. It often felt/feels like the base platform of rage that I had created for myself was hell bent on finding something to get pissed off at. So that the entire system of thought gets a feed of course. It's fucked knowing that being pissed of doesn't give you anything, doesn't empower you in any way, yet having such a foundation in it that it can't help but bleed through at times.
I feel like I'm getting pretty good at recognising the uselessness in all 'negative' emotions. That they are there only to show me what I need to transform within me. What environment I want to create and live in. What to choose. I fuck up and lose my cool and positivity quite often. Yet I don't beat myself up about it. I just reinforce the new belief and hold onto this new coding for all I'm worth.
Then there is my connection with Songs.
I was a largely left brained individual, largely due to my being able to feel safe in this culture, largely due to being a carpenter. Everything was a linear process for me. Micro managing my interactions with my environment anywhere I could. Always planning out, never leaving time allotments to be open to what the moment had to offer. Living in the future. Handy if you're a carpenter, shit for being open to new experience. For being open to seeing things that you don't already 'know'. Shit for personal evolution. Shit for co-creation. I had very little flow when I was first adopted into Songs family.
Compared to someone like Songs. Far more life experience. An incredible capacity to flow, to go with the flow. An immense capacity for being in the moment. To be able to exist in what I would consider 'painful' environments purely as a reflection. To be unaffected by all the insanity that exists. By peoples painfully obvious contradictions. To remain in herself. I'm sure you can imagine some of the triggers and challenges this way of being arose in me in our regular trips to town to do the shopping and such
External focus still played a huge role in my unconscious processing. There is 6th sense like skill I poses, coming from working on construction sites for 5 years. The ability to hyperfocus on the individuals moving in my environment. A good skill to have on a job site for safety reasons. Shit to have this as a universal approach to being in public. Keeping me externally focused, where I go well and truly out of my way to ensure the flow of another. Which extend into all kinds of dis-empowering distortions. Where I cant hold * me * in a public space, ever. Not any element of me that might make another feel uncomfortable anyway.
This causing many issues between the integration of the deeper elements of myself that emerged as I worked through my distortions. For a start, choosing to be in a relationship with someone 25 years older then me. Major upheaval. Defying all the cultural programming I had in this area in a big way. This obsession with physical appearance and all the meaning behind 'why'. Choosing to be in a relationship with someone based largely on the mental compatibility. Knowing in myself that mental 'age' has nothing to do with physical 'age'. Yet it's something that gets loads of weird looks and incompatible type reactions from people in town, when they see us being affectionate. At first I couldn't even stay energetically connected to Songs in public. I could feel people staring at me, judging me, attacking me, attempting to force me prove my own sanity. Who knows what they were actually thinking, whether this was all my own head. It didn't really make a difference, it was 'real'.
Realising how crippling this was of doing things was, and how it was keeping me out of accessing my own self and finding happiness in my relationship with Songs. I had to do lots of reassuring. Lots of new thought code writing for myself. I had to really focus on staying in myself when in public environments. Using being affectionate towards Songs as a barometer to see how much progress I was making. Forcing myself to be affectionate, to play with her and have fun, increasingly to work through this entrapment that I was feeling coming from my external environment. Becoming increasingly comfortable staying in myself at all times. Spending my thought energy on self development. Becoming coherent.
Using my conciousness to align all the thought programmes to the common goal. To get rid of what wasn't serving me and create what could.
It's amazing just how great our desire for justification can be. Whenever I would trigger over something and get angry, I would want that emotion to be justified externally. To make it more 'real'. I would even get more annoyed at someone who wasn't getting annoyed at what was pissing me off. All these crazy loops that our mind can take us on. These loops that ultimately don't go anywhere, or keep us stuck at the level of progression of those around us, needing massive levels of external justification for each step we take. Where is the power in that?
Like I said in the 'why the Sui Generis' thread. I believe our ability to embody that which feels right for us is our greatest asset. That we can move without needing our environment to move with us. That we can CHOOSE something to explore. If the embodiment doesn't achieve the desired result, create a new system/new code/new belief/new element of self. Evolution is about refining the self. So that the mind conduits and reflects the heart. Experimentation. So that we can experience complex and interesting character of the manifest spirit.
The Sui Generis approach has increased my communicative ability immensely. Songs being able to pull me up on all my assumptions, showing me where I unconsciously assume. It's astounding the more you start to notice how many subtle assumptions we make. Allowing me to ask questions more often. To achieve a more thorough comprehension of another individuals experience. So that we can be more closely aligned and more effective as co-creators. I have come to the realisation that I cannot effectively communicate anything the is coming from ME when I am in an emotionally charged 'reactive' space. In many of the lengthy discussions that arise with Songs I really have to fight to stay centred so that my contributions don't become distorted. If I slip out of the neutral centred emotionless space is would often lead to worlds of wasted energy trying to force our way to a resolve. As opposed to stopping the conversation and taking time out the re-centre and explore in our own time, often coming to a far quicker resolve. Being able to know when the slightest edge of a trigger is coming on is crucial for me in the ease of application of the Sui Generis principles. Resistance can be a great ally if you can learn to let it show you where to look. Trying to fight and thrash your way through your resistance, when you're in a resistant space has never worked for me.
Another thing that has been quite challenging is living in an environment with two individuals that are incredibly intellectually endowed. Something that I have experienced a fair degree of resistance around is the feeling of being 'taken over' that emerges when many of your ideas are shown to be based on flawed premises. When old patterns of beliefs, that want to feel a sense of importance so they can get energy, are challenged. This kicking and screaming that occurs over acknowledging the enlightenment being offered by another. It feels like you're just being a copy cat. Walking in someone else’s footsteps. For a being like me, I have a certain stubbornness about me, that likes to do things 'my way'. That cherishes the unique. That my own exploration will come to a different conclusion. This can, however, become problematic when trying to clear myself of fictitious belief systems. Stories about how reality was that had been invented by the imagination.
I struggle to stream my thoughts and ideas coherently at times, I struggle to remember facts and figures to implement to make more complete expressions. I'm largely an intuitive that goes by how they feel about things and it can be incredibly frustrating when I can't decode something that I KNOW is relevant into coherent language.
My experience of Triffid, Songs ex partner, is that he runs his intellect in a certain way energetically. It's kind of like he casts a spell on you and you turn into a bumbling idiot. He possesses immense scientific and general knowledge that can be intimidating for an intuitive creative type such as myself. It' was interesting to observe how much he 'won' the space energetically. It's been an interesting learning tool for me to hold my own signal strong and experience it mitigating the effects of his signal on me. It's interesting for me now to observe the effects on people in public when they come near my signal. It's really starting to expand.
The way Songs mind works is something that I simply do not comprehend in many ways. I find it incredibly difficult to make all the abstract connections she can. EVERYTHING is related in our multiverse in some way. I often get the shits about conversations that slide between subjects I can't make connections between. The pattern recognition part of my brain has on many occasions observed 3 points of similarity. Leading to me triggering hugely over what I thought Songs was doing. How it appeared to be the same things as many 'poisonous'/manipulative/slidey behavioural patterns I observed growing up. The things that triggered anger in me. Causing me to drop our connection completely and this cycle of rejecting the things that I had learned from her. All before I had even thought to ask her a question about what she was ACTUALLY doing. Crazy, viscous shit. This happened on quite a number of occasions. It's so easy for us to do, often not realising that we are doing it, because we never ask the person involved any questions. After 1 year the method of formulating questions in the moment is one that I'm just starting to get a handle on. It's a really powerful learning tool.
I think part of my success with the Sui Generis comes down to the fact that I use a lot of body language in my self expression. Leaving less ability to become entrapped or misinterpreted by the words that I am saying due to the clear signal that I can send with my body language. It's like a 6th sense that I have developed out of being deaf in one ear. Being tuned into the layer of communication that is body language in an intuitive way lets me more easily convey myself in clear theatrical fashion. Each body movement for me has a different feel to it, a different energetic expression. I like to experiment with testing out different, often exaggerated, body language settings, and see how those in my environment react. Letting me know more accurately what I'm transmitting and how to refine it to a more clear transmission. I think being this way kind of invites others to do the same NLP style. Which works really well for me, adding another clear dimension into social interactions. It's crazy how tense most people are in their bodies!
All in all, I'm feeling freer and more 'flowy' everyday. Best of all, it's not something that is bound in any way to what is going on around me. So many constrictions have been released. I'm in myself most of the time. I'm becoming less and less concerned about the fact that myself makes many people feel uncomfortable. I can easily identify the heteronomy, and their own constrictions that cause them to feel that way. It's certainly not been easy, yet writing about all this stuff reminds me of where I have come from. Shows me my progress and motivates me to keep working. To see where this approach can go. To see how effective and efficient I can become. To create and live the dream.
After a year in the life, I am only just starting to see the full implications. To see creative solutions to every aspect of life that apply Sui Generis at the foundation. For individuals to reject it because they can't see how it answers all their initial objections, or they think that they know what it is, is pure ignorance. My experience says very much otherwise. I still know that I don't see all that it is. All that Songs sees in her ability to be so absolute that THIS IS THE SOLUTION. The solution to so many of the problems that plague humanity at this time. It might appear daunting to an individual testing the platform out, who experiences a massive trigger through challenging their own programming. I can assure you that the application of Sui Generis gets easier over time, it becomes habit. Habit to stay centred, habit to ask questions, habit to be self aware. Evolution becomes habit. New experience becomes habit. Self empowerment becomes habit. The rewards start to pile up.
|Author:||Gekko [ Tue Nov 05, 2013 11:48 am ]|
|Post subject:||Re: My year spent living the life of the Sui Generis|
Thanks for sharing. I recognize many of the themes and challenges in expression that you write about.
All the best on your path, En.
|Author:||songsfortheotherkind [ Sun Nov 10, 2013 12:59 pm ]|
|Post subject:||Re: My year spent living the life of the Sui Generis|
We have been working on getting the new blog up- songsfortheotherkind.com/blog and the edited versions of these writings are there. I've been banned from PA so I won't be posting the link to the new work there, lol; En has been working on learning video editing and I've been creating content, we're having a visit from our professional editor tomorrow and we are confident of having the first of the vids up within a week or so- En's *far* more together in the tech dept than I am so it's actually happening.
Things are very very different now: I've been actively engaging internal processes to remove the heteronomy from my biology (remember the Monsanto codes theme? Like that only stronger.) This is having a *visible effect* on my body, even to me: I can see the changes that En has been commenting about and I definitely look at least 15 years younger: nobody believes me when I say I'm one year off fifty. The heteronomy ages us- who knew? lol
We are very much still immersed in this frequency, it's simply been that we have to be our own Neo's first.
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