songsfortheotherkind.com

Can I watch?

I will presume that offers of assistance would be improper.

*laughing* it depends what sort of assistance you're offering now, doesn't it...

I'll be about, wearing this vegan chocolate dress...

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"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

Today something snapped in me and I gave up trying to be constantly considerate of everyone in every way possible, and it's felt great. I was out bicycling around town when I noticed this. I said to myself that I was going to stop trying to be considerate, beyond basic courtesy. From that point on, I constantly noticed myself thinking of things I could do to be considerate, and saw how much energy I would be spending on the task. "I could have done this, but why the fuck would I do that? I don't want to, I don't need to, it's not my fucking job. No!"

I saw how insidious this was, how I felt responsible for everything, that if something went wrong, I could see myself as playing a part, because I could have done more. But I've been doing this as long as I can remember and it makes me crazy and frazled when around people. It tied into some attempt to always be doing everything I could to make everything around me go better, to try to contribute to others. But it apparently wasn't done as a gift, but more as an crippling obligation. It was part of some view of the universe I had, and wanted to support by being this way.

There's also a critical part of this of being able to make a distinction between healthy and unhealthy things I do out of consideration for others. Before, I'd think it through and see me as having the ability in either case to possibly prevent a conflict, and that it was some arbitrary line and I was fooling myself if I only did some and then said that I couldn't have done more. But there's something corrupt about many of the things I did, the motivation and consequences I'd worry about, how they were to fend off any criticism others could make of me if something went wrong. I didn't have the sense of "that's bullshit, you're just running your patterns at me" to respond with.

This ties in with a conversation I was having with someone in Acro Yoga who flies people a lot. He is talented and usually compensates for the flier's limited skill. I had flown a lot with him and when I flew on someone else, they noticed how poor my technique was, since my previous base had been compensating for my limited skill. I was talking with him and he was saying how he was trying to avoid compensating, to give the flier a chance to learn skills. This ties in here, where my goal had been to try to make things go as smoothly as possible for people around me, even if it was me robbing them of learning opportunities, or in general making up for their lack of skill.

So I stopped worrying about things I was doing while bicycling, as long as they were within the law. So if I was riding towards a corner on the sidewalk and going to turn, I just rode normal speed then turned on the sidewalk and continued, rather than worrying whether drivers would think I was going to cross. They'll think whatever they're going to think anyway. Or in the store, not worry whether it looked like I was trying to steal something (my mother's constant suspicion of me lead to this, among many other things). Fuck them, I'll give them a chance to hold me bag, if they don't want to, I'll just go in and do my shipping. Things like this were good opportunites to constantly practice this new realistically-scoped responsibility for the world.

It brought up a good amount of anger, the kind that kept me holding to my course and saying to myself, "fuck that, I'm not taking on all these responsibilities around me". I started to notice a change in how I was relating with other entities around me and the world in general. I felt more defined and the world to me more outside me, something I could interact with but that wasn't part of me and needing constant care/management.

A development like this happened earlier this year, where I also gained the ability to see something as bullshit that someone was putting on me. Before I felt I had to rationally defend myself, and it never felt like I was on firm ground even if I had a justification. I had gained a sense of self and an inherent right to certain things, that needed no reasoning to justify. This is similar, an extension. I'm really pleased with this.

Prairie, your experience is very familiar to me and I appreciate you putting it out there with clarity. There's so much to be discovered in the little habits and patterns that often slip by unnoticed because we think they're too trivial or inconsequential for consideration.

One example for me would be crossing the street when a car stops to let me cross. I'm always aware that people generally half-jog or run across as a show of courtesy, to show their appreciation of the driver and to take up the least amount of their time as possible. I walk rather slow but it's not always apparent that I have a disability, so sometimes I'm left with confused or impatient looks on their faces. This would extend to any number of situations where people expect me to act a certain way - someone drops something and it lands near my feet; I cannot bend over far enough to pick it up for them, so I just look snobby or apathetic. And I'm not too keen on explaining to everyone I come across the nature of my disability - not that there's any time for that in the hundreds of 5-second daily interactions. The most difficult had to be parking in handicapped spaces when I still had a car - the looks of contempt given like I had stolen granny's placard. So it leads to patterns of avoidance.

The only thing I have found so far that has been helpful is repeating to myself, in the midst of a mileu situation, "I have every right to be here and doing what I need to do". I am used to feeling the need to justify everything I do, mostly to myself, and it's so tempting. But it's really impossible to do things that way and remain genuine. By the time I've given myself the green light, the moment's already passed and the spontaneity is gone.

I kept trying to highlight bits of your post so that I didn't quote the whole thing, and I couldn't edit it. I resonate strongly with what you're writing about here, recognising that I have gone through exactly the same process in my life after having it drummed into me that I had to take care of 'everyone' at an age when I needed caring for my Self.

I'm currently getting a series of cranio-sacral treatments that are healing some of the really old physical trauma to my head. There is so much release in my body happening that is about not taking on the loads of others and my neck has become almost a barometer of how well I'm doing with that- the less I take on from others, the more decompressed my neck is: my neck can become so compressed and contorted that I can no longer swallow, and on an energetic level I fully grok what that one is about in terms of not wanting to swallow anyone else's stuff anymore. I love the way the exploration shows up in my body and in my life.



I totally love this- parenting has been like this for me, as well as being in connection; I kept calling in individuals to teach me how to stop compensating, to be ok with letting others do their thing and fall if they have to, and to be ok with my own falling. I love Acro Yoga and acrobalance and I'm usually always the base because I'm both really strong and really good at flying others. These days, I seek out a balance partner who is able to help *me* learn to fly more confidently, rather than being the solid base for others. I am really enjoying the shift.

Thank you for this post, I really enjoyed it.

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"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

I've been putting up fliers lately for the talks I'm doing that start on Friday, and as a result individuals have been asking me more about my Art. It's fascinating to me watching individuals run smack bang into their own limitations, prejudices, distortions, lack of comprehension, the wall of internal 'no' that is programmed into society in order to try and shut down the evolution signal

and this from individuals who truly feel they have a handle on such behaviour. Watching what happens when things go deeper than their comfort level is so fascinating- they squirm and writhe physically, they get belligerent, or defensive, or rationalise, or talk in new age waffle, or start telling me how I'm just caught up in fear paradigms and need to clear that, or any number of things- it's interesting to watch the virus writhe in the individual that's turned agent in front of my eyes.

These conversations are going to be really interesting, I'm looking forward to Friday, if for nothing more than to discover what kind of signal it is in my physical area that embraces the sui generis on this level.

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"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

prairie, Turcurulin, thank you both for your artwords, expressing some of the roads i've traveled.

Songs, the throat part is also part of my avatar. Thank you.

you may notice i'm woefully inadequate in pressing the 'thanks' button for posts. for reference:
- feel free to understand i have thanked you (yes, you, whatever energy you're expressing at the moment) for expressing that energy
- feel free to chuckle at the visual of my tremoring hand trying to and not quite managing to click the mouse at the precise moment that will cause the 'thanks' button to turn from red to blue (or whatever it does -- one doesn't like to restrict a 'thanks' button from expressing its true nature)

will you be recording these Friday talks? or at least have an attractive scribe who is skilled in wordart, to capture these Friday talks on parchment?

I'm currently negotiating to see if they can be both webstreamed and recorded. It appears that the webstreaming may be sorted for the second one, and the recording- even if it's just in audio- will be sorted for the one tomorrow night.

I'm not sure how many will be showing up at this stage, I think Max (Igan) is putting the word out to his network about it so it will be interesting to see what happens there- Max would have come, but he's currently in Palestine building a classroom so he won't be home for another six weeks, by which time the first round of videos will have been edited and be available online on the website.

I'm keen to move away from writing, that's for sure, and into more interesting ways of engaging with the Art.

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"For every lie I unlearn, I learn something new"- Ani DiFranco

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. ~ TS Elliot

Some thoughts on interacting by writing online instead of in person.

I sense I care more about my interpretation, and what I can do with that interpretation, than I do about the writer’s intention. As a result, when I feel virus-based reactions rising while reading something online, the first thing I do is seek to find and destabilize the virus code in me.

Once I’ve clarified what the writer did that set off a virus reaction in me, and get the virus destabilized, only then am I able to think about the message as others might interpret it.

If the writer is truly trying to abuse others, it’s better for me to address the issue of the abuse than it is to address the writer. Generally that means not addressing the writer at all. Sometimes it means taking my strengths and skills to a place where like-minded people are working to destabilize that virus code on a grander scale. Sometimes it means using my strengths and skills locally because often the code that was activated in me through the Internet is a foretelling or mirror of what’s going on in my physical area.

None of this hinges on body language, eye contact, Masonic handshakes or anything else, and I think that’s because I am more focused on what’s inside me (the virus codes, my strengths and skills) instead of what was inside the writer at the time and place of the original post.

Sometimes I seek clarification from the writer. It doesn’t matter if the writer is trying to increase the virus in me. If that is the writer’s intent, I can use that to be more of me by being less virus driven. In this forum’s environment, I sense it would be fairly easy to seek clarification, either through public discussion, or through a more private means such as email or private message.

Now, I would hope I would first place myself in a low virus state before seeking clarification. That means, I hope I would not type a stream of accusatory profanity in all caps. Instead, I would prefer to get into a more neutral state, and use words that are less likely to incite riots.

If the writer does not respond, ever, or if the writer responds in a way that again brings virus code to the front of my reaction mode – that still gives me an opportunity to examine what that says about me and the virus within me.

Some time ago on another forum, I requested (privately) a clarification. The original post was not racist or sexist, yet the wording set off virus reactions in me (primarily anger and horror, the ‘Surprise! Anger!’ program http://songsfortheotherkind.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=3103#p3103 has more details). The writer responded privately and said the purpose of the post’s wording was in fact to get a reaction from people, while the purpose of the post itself was to get actual feedback. Through this exchange, I confirmed I remain sensitive to issues of abuse, which is not a bad thing.

Further discussions welcomed.